Wrapped in Diapers

On wings of eternity, I soar beneath the crowd,
trampled, stepped on, six feet under ground.
- Giselle

There is no necessity for me to write this entry. There are more blog-entries in this month that the days it counts. All in a good effort to tell you where my mind is fleeting to, every day. Who says I am telling truths, accepted lies of a life that I am assumably living in this grand house of opportunities. All I am is just a fleeting mind of someone who can't escape the past and sees flaws in everything. Just a scared little girl, like half the internet population, hiding away behind codes and words, pictures and photoshop to make everything just that little bit better. It is not that my life is so awful, there are no parents that fight, no bullying at school, no secret pregnancies or drug issues. Any of that would pointing out the problem a hell of a lot easier, but not, day to day life is the worst that is happening to me.

If I only were bullied, if only my parents would fight, it would give a good reason to be upset, to feel like you have to cry and let all the sadness out. The only thing that makes me cry is when I realise how unintelligent I am when somebody points me out that I completely misunderstand something. My three year younger sister has a better understanding of college than me and I expect to roll into uni next year? It is almost the same when your four year old sister tells you how to spell a word because you can't and you are the one studying for it. That is the story of my life, everything I try to do my sister does better.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"

Whoever thought of that doesn't feel the sting of words. I rather have somebody break my bones, not somebody, I wanted to break my own fingers at one point but realised that the damage might be irreversible and that would be suicide for me. There is nothing worse in the world that the feeling that you not as good as somebody else, that somebody is superior, better and that you will never mean anything. It may seem al fun and games to hurt, until she knows that I hurt over her comments about all my flaws, all my mistakes, the remarks that I am stupid that I will never ever be as good looking or as smart as her. All the blood in the world will not make me any smarter, more beautiful or better at spelling, it will only make me bitter. I've chosen that road, I rather be bitter than that I feel like I am waste of everything, because that is how I feel. The pain is at least a bearable burden and will go away at some points and can be repeated at will, words will only hurt most when you think you are safe.

I will still be part of that population of angsty teenage girls who cry over a boy not liking them. Who am I to make fun of them, I cried myself to sleep because I believe that the one person I was in love with would never fall for a girl like me. I am a pathetic excuse for someone who is not a teenager as I am behaving like a teenager. I need a crash course on how to act grown-up and mature. I am a whiny bastard who should shut up and enjoy life for as long as it last, being a mopy emo can wait until I shit into diapers and drool whenever I am eating, then I can complain about life.