My recent entries have been anything but inspiring, uplifting or cheerful. You might have already guessed the reason why and there will be no reason to elaborate on it. Somehow some sort of depression seems to hit me when it becomes spring, but I do not believe that it has anything to do with spring. You would say that, as suggested by my dear mum, my moods are related to the seasons. Having to deal with myself 24/7 I can positively say that my mood has only gone worse the brighter the days have become and that the cold and the dark do not really affect my mood, except for that I get grumpy when I keep getting rained on. All I can put my finger on that everything might just be related to work pressure and stress.
It is a known fact under myself and friends that I don't do so well when I am under stress, a little stress doesn't harm anyone and actually makes me a little more creative and productive than no stress at all. The deal with me is that stress doesn't hit me until I start to care about something. The moment I started to believe in myself, the more afraid I got of failing. This is perhaps the reason that the sunnier it gets the more depressed I become, since the school years ends before summer break, so at the end of the year there is more pressure than at the beginning of the year.
This time I really started to care, college has been going ok, there hasn't been any major bumps and up till now I have only missed out on 3ESC by failing one course. Since then I got it into my thick head that this year might be the year that I won't be failing, that I will finally get enough points to go to university. I have just been putting more and more stress on myself, resulting in my body getting sick from the stress from some stupid test. I was just so afraid to fail that my body was aching and my intestines thought it would be nice to give some extra movement to give me some nice diarrhoea while I was at school making me feel too sick to see what I had done wrong on the one exam I failed.
On top of that my sick head has started to bug me with the thought that I won't be pretty unless I lose weight, which makes me binge eat like nuts. Making me promise myself not to eat, making me eat even more than before.
On top of this all I have gone back to really hurting myself again. There is just too much anxiety, too much disappointment, too much of a feeling that I am slowly drowning that I need something to hold on too, something to make me actually feel something real that something that I can't put my finger on. I have even gone so far to promising myself that I may cut myself every time I eat outside of dinner. If this all isn't going to get better I will be starting to cut myself every few days and it isn't looking pretty as I have gotten the taste of it again. A horrible longing of recreating scars, making me cut really deep just to make sure that I will have some big scars and I don't know why. Perhaps I have fallen in love with how they look, the long white stripes, the scars where the second layer of skin has become my upper skin making it look like cracks in my skin.
If only I could replace my heart and mind by robotic parts, a heart of steel will never break and a mind of scrap will never hurt.
1 comment:
Oh Gi ): Sad to hear you're cutting again, and that you're so stressed and anxious.*hugs*
I'm sure you've heard this being suggested a thousand times already, but do you think it'd help if you did some exercise? It's supposed to help for a ton of things. I should really get around to doing sports myself, too >_<. Stupid school, stress, procrastination.
Do you feel like hanging out together sometime soon? We could randomly hang out, but there's a poledance fitness place here which has tryout lessons for like 7,50. That'd be fun ^^
Hope you feel better soon, hun! *more hugs*
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