Great Expectations

Days are strange when you have to go to college for only one class in which you only have a consult of a few minutes before you can go home again. It doesn't feel productive at all and the only thing you basically do is sitting around, waiting for your turn. You just spend about four and a half hours away from home to get told that you are doing fine but are very close to the deadline and you may get in trouble because of that. Sending out that damn survey as I write, just to make sure friends get it. Hopefully we will get this thing sorted out before next week because we have only a little more than a week left before the who essay has to be done and that is after analysing the statistics that come out of the survey.

Today's second topic is money. I've been ranting a lot about money, the thing that currently bugs me that they never explicit me tell me that they just don't have the money for something. They will tell me tons or reason why they won't pay for me, but they never just bluntly say: "darling, we just don't have the money for that right now." That is something I understand, money does not grow on trees and if they did we still have the problem that we are short, even though our name claims that we are tall trees, but the wind isn't bothering me (Dutch joke), so it's find to be fun-sized.

Perhaps I am a spoiled girl, with all the things I have been given in life, but somehow I haven't been given the things that I really long for and really need to grow. For example I really, almost desperately, need a new violin. Not because I hate the one I currently have, I love my baby dearly, I have just outgrown it and am in serious need of one of better quality that fits my skills. My teacher even proposed that I could use his violin during the concert where I am merely a second violin, no-one of real importance for out ensemble. However, the first problem is that I can't get a new violin unless my sister has gotten a cello as she is still renting one. I told my teacher that today, because he said that I really need a new one because I have grown so much in the last year that my currently violin just doesn't suit my abilities anymore. I told him about my sister and he said that she could buy the one he has at home. I agreed on putting pressure on my folks, so we could settle this thing. I hinted my parents about this and they just gave a clue that they currently just don't have the money for it. The thing is that, even though I love my sister dearly and would give her all the things in the world, her practise and frequency and quality of playing is below mine. You just can't become a good at anything when you can't grown more than your skin allows you to. I can't grow more in developing the way I sound when I play when my violin limits me in the way it sounds. I could throw in an amazing vibrato but still sound weak because the violin just doesn't support more sound.

I now feel bad for trying to put pressure on my parents when they don't have the money to buy anything expensive. Things I have about moving are just piling up and become a huge wall of annoyance that will be there for at least a while. This whole, let's move to a quieter part of the universe thing is really putting a strain on me and my parent's relationship, I love them, but they are just forcing  their choices down on me. There is this big wall of miscommunication between us. They way they say things is understood differently by me and it causes frustration. I wish life would be easier, but it is a constant battle to exist, to not fall into the arms of depression and endless sleep. How do others put up with the constant struggle to be heard, to survive, to not down into other people's demands? For college I would love to do more but somehow other always take the hard jobs and all I get to do is the simple welcomes and summaries, somehow I just keep struggling with communicating with my family. I know others have a harder life with me, so I got nothing to complain about. I shall shut up about money for the rest of my life, unless I am living on the street and eating out of the garbage bin, throwing away all my principles just to survive.  That will only happen when we run humans to eat and I have to start eating animals that are not capable of making their own decisions about what they eat for dinner.