The Green Monster of Invisibility

Coincidence that the moment I go back to hurting myself the subject is in the free newspapers again? I don't know, I have seen it pass the revue a couple of times in the last few years and everything it pisses me off how off the scientists are about the causes, symptoms and reasons for whatever is related to teenagers who hurt themselves. Even the newspapers make it seem that everybody who cuts wants help immediately but are ashamed and that they all suffer from something terribly like being abused. It makes me feel like I am just a pathetic example of an attention seeking girl.

The Dutch Metro (free newspaper) it is on the fourth page or something.

I don't want to see help, I don't find it necessary to find help, nor did I want to find help when I started it. I also did not hide it because I was ashamed of it, I was hiding it because it was my secret way to cope and I knew nobody would agree with me. It is better not to tell that you hurt yourself when everybody gets on your back the moment you show them your cuts. I have never been ashamed of cutting, I have been ashamed for not being able to cope on my own. Everybody keeps giving me advice, wanted to help me out, but I just want to do it on my own. Sometimes this is just really stupid, but that is the way I roll. I ever never accepted any help, any how, it is not in my nature to ask for help. The moment I do need to ask for help I feel ashamed for not being strong, smart, or good enough to do it on my own.

There is only a few days left before all essays have to be done, that one essay is not just a four pages thing, it will probably end up with about sixty pages or more and we only had about fifteen this morning. I have been busy all day, first to change all statistics in a program so that we could use them to pull any charts and such out of the data. After that, I was working on that for at least four hour straight. Then I went to the cinema as I promised my sister to come along with her to the Movies that Matter film festival in The Hague. We had picked Des Hommes et des Dieux, it was very very impressive. Monks that both learn about the bible and Koran and do not have any prejudices, they just care about the people because they believe that way they will end up in paradise, but God is not the main issue, it is about looking beyond simple believe and into the hearts of both religion and the people from Algeria. Sadly enough, this film is based on true events and only two of the monks survive the war.

Example of the stats program, fun, fun, fun.

Why the title? When I got home I saw that everybody and send their peerassesments. This are short evaluations of your work from my groupmates. One of them was very positive about my attitude and my work ethic, the other two were mainly negative on the part of me not taking any initiative. I felt like I have had to be invisible for the last few weeks, for I have been pulling the strings here and there, putting others to work and giving my opinion. I have been trying real hard to get some extra work, but most of the time I was too late to react or was simply not heard as it seems. I don't know what I have to do to make others see that I really take initiative without screaming or stealing other people's work. Changing into a real hulk might do.

This is not really the time to get distracted, I am supposed to write a researchprocess evaluation. I really don't know what I should write about that, I am a little lost so to say. Also, I could do with a girl or boyfriend right now to cry my eyes out on his or her shoulders and have fun together, but college comes first, which means I will have to be busy for the next two weeks. I have become way to serious but not serious enough compared to others who have everything planned out, summaries written and studied already.