It's a Game (you lost)

Greetings from the other side. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to write to you through this media that is called a blog. It is not like we will have actually conversations this way, it is very one way traffic and there is nobody breaking the rules by driving in the opposite direction.

This week I got the invitation to the ICMU, a meet-up from the secret society, I declined, well, through the fabulous media of Bookface. Some time ago I created a rift between me and them, now we are at a point that they are trying to throw a rope towards my side of the cliff but I have no idea what to do with it. There is a distance that I can't overcome or do not know what to do with it, too far too jump, too wide to walk around, too deep to lower myself in it and taking the rope and trying to get to the other side by dangling under is no good as I am scared of heights and falling. So, the only thing I could do is decline, it doesn't feel like I have a place among them anymore, a faded memory and soon nothing at all.

More and more begin I to fear for my own sanity, not that I ever was sane, but there are different types of sane. Being sane in your own insanity is the best there is, not giving a shit about what others thing about you and having yourself in control. Lately I've been losing control, little by little things are going to go downhill instead of straight forward or up. I'm not someone with a rock steady self-esteem to begin with, so any little push will throw me off the edge and I will have to climb all the way up in no time. Trying to do something about this course I follow dries me crazy and pushes me off the edge every time I realise that I am just not smart enough for this shit. It just makes me feel like I am incredibly stupid and that all my wishes to go to university are shattered by every question I don't understand. This is really upsetting me, as soon as I start reading a question I almost start crying because it just isn't making any sense to me and I can't make out any coherent question between the jungle of words on the paper. Perhaps I got some sort of economics fear that, as soon as there are big questions that requires me to think about several formulas at once, my brain shuts down.

I am just confused what is happening to me, though I have this kind of fear before and is nothing new to me. I just panic when I don't understand things because I fear I will fail the exam. To me passing an exam is quite crucial especially when I have a goal and failing means I won't be making that goals, making me feel like I am wasting another year of my life. On top of that fear do I want to be smart, even though I might not be. I don't feel like I should be doing MBO. Perhaps I just want to learn things I am not able to learn because my brain just isn't good enough. There are so many things that I actually want to learn and understand and maybe my brain can only comprehend only 10% of all that, it would make me incredible sad. It would just throw my whole life around and I would have to adjust my whole way of thinking to become anything, all my dreams, hopes, wishes about the future would have to be revised.

Also, I have been helping my sister out on getting information about games for CEI, a course at college. After that I decided to read up about planets because while watching Starship Troopers one of the characters were pointing at a planet that looked a lot like Jupiter. The first things I noticed that the planet wasn't moving at all. One of the things I know about Jupiter is that it is a gasplanet with the shortest days in our Solar-system, Jupiter days are about 9 hours long and the surface looks like brownish water from outerspace. Considering that Jupiter is the biggest planet in our Solar System that damn planet must be moving incredibly fast around its axis of rotation.

Have you ever resurrected a dead fly, I have by pointing my wizard wand (violin bow) towards it and poking the corpse. Try it one day, it will baffle your friends.