It's a touch world kid, but there is no old Gigi, there is no way that I can go back to whatever I was before. You can't erase the past, even if I could I don't know if it is worth it. Everything creates something and if that something does not happen the future won't be the future that it is now. If it wasn't for my old self, self-banning me from the secret society I wouldn't have studied, that way I would have failed and have never experienced the self-disciplined person I am now.
There is this film the Time Machine that explains this fairly well. He protagonist can't change the death of his fiancé because he build the time machine to put that right, so without her death his present or future couldn't happen. Currently I feel like a very different person that I was before, it's the small things, the way I behave that changed with time. Time off from those who shaped me for the last few years changed others parts of me, different stimuli were poking my brain at times of social abstinence.
Now it feels like I should go back to the person I was because that is what everyone wants. Somehow, it is very understandable. The cracks don't show so much when the pushing and pulling off the years to come hadn't cracked the plaster of my life ever further. Sometimes the sand and the wind with turn the cracks into a smooth surface, with shallow scars to show what once was. Others cracks are too deep or new and show like fresh wounds on my skin.
Black Hole Heart
I pour out the old me and replace it with something better,
but even the diamonds I tried to replace my blood with,
turn into ash when it flows through my heart.
When I try to replace my heart,
there will only be an emptiness inside of me,
sucking in love like a black hole.
Pulverising the sweet words with gravity,
dragging you down with it,
destroying, imploding me.
Of course I long for love, to be touched by someone that is not blood-related. To feel safe in someone's arms, instead of judged or monitored, one eye on my scars, the other looking out for bumps. If my life would be any different, if I had any wish that could come true. It would be that my dearest friends would live so much closer to me, so I could share my life, my love, my heart with them without having to travel half the country, half the world, half the planet. A group of solid friends to go out with almost every Friday evening like most students seem to do here, instead I sit at home and do my bloody homework because there is nothing else to do.
Life doesn't make anything easier either. I was finally coming to terms with the place I live, the feeling of living in the middle of nowhere but everything is about 20 minutes away on a bike. All the bias and prejudice that belongs to this place. Now, I have to adjust thrice to a new environment, get my daily routine changed, get my direction changed, get my current location changed. I will honestly miss everything I have here, for I do not see anything better coming up in the future when it comes to my new hometown. But perhaps even this as a few pluspoints.
They got some awesome sports going on there, that I don't got here, perhaps I should try them out.
Beer is found on the road
And every Sunday morning I can pick my own dinner from the field across the garden
Did I tell you that the football fields are behind the house?? Same goes for the trainstation?
1 comment:
I want to get to know the new Gigi... But I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything you don't want either. If you are happier without us, you should stay that way.
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