Weight is a Death Sentence

If you don't want to listen to a woe is me rant then fuck off and go do something useful with your time like working out.

Not so long ago, I was trying to put on some close, failing miserably. Not because I am dipshit stupid, I might be, but at least I can put on clothes, no, because my body fails and my clothes fail. Due to my stupid student life I have been gaining loads of weight and I have almost put back on all the weight I lost last year, it is driving me completely nuts. I feel like I am just meant to be fat and ugly because my body tells me so. It feels and probably is so, that whatever I put in my mouth goes directly into my already existing fatrolls and remain their for the rest of my fat life. It is not fair, because honestly, I eat healthy at times.

Honestly, if you hate me for thinking like this, think of me like this. Every since I was 12 I had issues with my weight, by that age I was not even really overweight, just a bit chubby, but no I hated my body and tried to puke all my food out, which didn't work as I simply wouldn't puke. So from that age on I got bouts of not eating, some as severe as barely eating for a full week. So, yes, I might have been borderline anorexic for a long time. Yes, I have a very bad self-image that I have been trying to improve for the last few months. It just doesn't help when you start gaining weight and clothes stop fitting again.

Right now I am sitting in a skirt with elastic band and a size too big sweater because I couldn't find anything clean that would fit. I just feel so goddamn awful now. Also, it is not the fact that I don't move. I cycle to school and have a plan to run a mile once a week, since after college and doing homework and attending ensemble and musical meetings there is not much time left during the day and right now the evenings are just getting a bit too chilly. I don't want to end up sick and miss college, I can't afford it. Nothing just seems to work, unless I work out for two hours every single day, which I do not have time for. I leave home around 8am in the morning and get back around 5pm or 6pm, that leaves me 30 minutes before dinner, after that I try and do some college work before I go to bed.

Right now I am almost crying my eyes out because I really want to be thin, fit into normal clothes and don't have to worry if my muffintop is showing or that my legs do not look ginormous. It is already hard enough to look decent, let alone look pretty without extra effort in making sure all my good "assets" are there and the flaws not that noticeable. I hate days when everything likes to point out that I am bigger than most girls.

I now just want to hurt myself, because it hurts so much to think of how much I hate my body at times like these. however, I won't, it is not worth it, those minutes of feeling good, of directing all the pain and anger towards my body.

I just thought I had come so far in accepting my body for what it is, see the pretty side and not the bad sides. Alas, it won't do right now. All I can is this fat girl with an ugly face and ugly hair who is too fat to fit into her clothes, who is lazy and should die. Yes, I don't like these thoughts either, don't accuse me of thinking these thoughts on purpose. It is already hard enough to make myself eat normal meals because I hate to think of gaining more weight, I am terrified of it because putting on weight means I will be overweight soon enough and I really want to be healthy. Right now I don't want to think of food at all, so I won't eat, I don't want to hurt my body by eating things that make me fat. yes, I am ridiculous but you will only read this much later.