Patching

Even though you might read this when I am gone from your lives, or I am back in it making you worry too much. Either way, this will be a long update on how my life is doing right now, just the little facts where my life is heading right now. The train tracks are supposed to be winter ready, I don't trust it, but I will just have to put my faith into the world and keep going.

College
Well, I am still in my first year of Media and Entertainment Management, until now I have passed all my courses. Unfortunately, this period is much harder and a lot of reading has to be done in order to pass. This is one of the added reasons why I decided to break off all contact as I get easily distracted. I currently seem to be unable to read my college books and remember the important bits, so it really is a painful way of trying to study something. I keep having the feeling that my classmates are rather rid of me, as they just seem to ignore me most of the time. My group with which I have to do groupwork with is lose on the hinges. We do work and we produce some better than average work, but nothing goes smooth and sometimes it feels like they would be better off without me, even though we would be better off without someone else who still seems to think that college works the same as high school. I am trying to keep up with everything, write projectplans, read, write letters and do all the other stuff that is required. Currently I am just wasting my time with blogging and playing Maplestory to pass some time as for today I am done what I had to write, tomorrow's class is postponed to next week and I can't be bothered to read. Perhaps tonight I will make an attempt to read and make a summary.

Living space
My parents still haven't found a new house to live in, April is getting closer and closer all the time. It seems to be getting too close that I am forced to move out and live with my sister. I don't know how I will be doing with everything I have to think about when moving out. That and my sister seems to be keen on getting that one apartment, that is actually located in of the worse off neighbours in the Hague, but no one seems to hear me. My parents still want to move towards the German border and haven't found anything that is less than 40km away for that imaginary line on the map. I also realised that I have been living very protected my whole life, nothing happens here. The worst thing that I have seen is the smoke from a school being on fire, my dad not even believe that I could see the smoke from my bedroom, and of course me being sexually harassed in the middle of the day in one of the riches neighbourhoods here. I am getting afraid that when I move to a neighbourhood where they got lots of ethnicities that I am getting harassed much more often of dressing too weird and inappropriate according to their religion. But there is not much choice, the market is small and you just have to go with what you find.

Everything else
The ensemble I play for has started again. I haven't had any violinlesson anymore, I don't really care either. I am not good enough anyway, I play like shit as ever before. I also joined the band of the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I dyed my hair a dark ruby red and have been cutting my nails again. I am completely out of money, I less than nothing on my bank-account, due to my dad's problems with finding his data of his bank account, so he can't transfer money to any account, including mine, my sister's and my mother's. It means I got no money to buy cigarettes, occasional food when I am in school, presents, new shirts, gloves. For everything I need I have to ask my mother for money and my parents still owe me about €200 excluding the €200 that my father was supposed to give me for the college money that is written off my account last week. So now the money has been written off my account but my father hasn't given me the money for it, so yes, I am completely out of money.

Saturday I will be celebrating St Nicholas at my grandpa's place with the usual presents, games of trivia and hints and me trying to act normal. It also has been snowing already, it has finally gotten wintery cold, but according to the weatherman it is going to melt tomorrow anyway. I am doubting if I should take the bus to the station tomorrow as I only have to be in college for 30 minutes for a meeting as my other course has been dropped because the teacher is ill.

Patching
Life is patching, please wait for instruction before continuing.

Yesterday when getting home from college a guy came up to me and ask me my phonenumber because his friend, who had been staring at me when buying fritter at the station, wanted it. I should have said yes, but I didn't. I should have yes just so I would get out of the house and perhaps do something fun with someone new. Instead my world is getting smaller by the day and in the end I only talk to perhaps 6 different people a day, every day again.


You know how beautiful the world is covered in snow. Everything seems to be a magical shade of blue and all the people riding their bikes are ants trying to find a warm place. I am warm and comfortable here. A little lost and my heart doesn't feel anything, but someday it will be better, someday I will be whole.