The year is almost over, many things have happened for the good or the bad but I am still here and that is probably the most important things, the rest is just details that don't really matter. You have to be happy with the small things and because I already got the problem of not being able to be happy about most things, being alive is something that I should appreciate in some weird way, because now I at least get to experience new things I guess. I will present my year with song titles to do it myspace/facebook style, as we all like it.
This Women's Work - Kate Bush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2aDldLOPt0
I started the year just working my ass off as mail-slave, nothing spectacular happened except that I sounded the New Year by vomiting all over the upstairs hallway and ending that with crying fit. Best way to start off the new year, at least that way you can say that it can hardly get any worse, how wrong that was. So, time passed and it went its not so merry way, working away the days.
The Art of Suicide - Emilie Autumn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3VllAuLAgg
I missed things up with work and ended up doing stupid things and feeling so incredibly miserable that I wanted to kill myself. Everything just hurt and I didn't know what to do with myself, everything was wrong and life seemed so pointless and full of pain that I would have rather died than lived and I hurt myself again after promising myself not to.
The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MvsyNSk20Q
May holiday, I was still too scared to contact people and especially work so while my family had two weeks off I spend two weeks alone and after considering smoking for the longest time I thought, why the hell not, it is better than hurting myself. So for the first time in the eight years that I wanted to start smoking I actually did and it felt good. I suddenly realised that I was so tens all the time that you probably could play violin on my nerves.
Another Journey By Train - The Cure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5JPNhtaCj4
In June, after another time getting to a very low point because I was too afraid to ask a few days off I called work in panic and told them that I was asked last-minute to join the orchestra on their tour to Hamburg, because someone was sick. In reality somebody was indeed sick and they have indeed been lacking a second violin without me, and so I went to Hamburg. It was very sunny and a lot of hard work in the heat, because who could have imagined that it would be 42C in the sun? We got their by train and we went back by train too, in a coupé with a broken air-conditioner so we were steaming and trying to follow the World Championship football final: the Netherlands vs Spain, we arrived the moment Spain made their fist and last and winning goal, me and my sister got out of the train went to the busstation and saw angry fans returning to the busstation, kicking and hitting whatever they could reach, always good to know that we are so friendly.
With a Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSSEqnviSB8
It was again that time of year where I go to a random, not so random, city to meet a lot of my friends who I usually don't see and who I love with all my heart. Even though I wasn't feeling so great, it was fun getting drunk with my friends. I just wish that would live a bit closer because they are all wonderful people. Despite me being a depressed loser emo kid for the first two days, as the Beatles say it, I get by with a little help from my friends.
It Can't Rain All The Time - Jane Sibbery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1jCwyDgxw
Holiday in Italy, all the fun and all the sun, well not so much sun, just a lot of rain, loads of rain, more than than I have had in a long time. It did not really ruin the holiday, it just made it very wet and we were stuck on the camping, especially in the breakfast tent as all the other tents were leaking and things were getting wet.
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHYOXyy1ToI
"I may take a holiday in Spain, leave my wings behind me. Drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new." For the first time I was happy and had no worries, down there in Spain with someone I came to love for a while. I had quit my job, had a place in college right when I would get home and a friend who loved me being me and me being at his place. Everything I needed for a short while, right there in sunny Spain.
Into the Void - Nine Inch Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4lTMOmH8Dw
Then there was a lot of pain and a lot of fear. The pain of leaving someone behind knowing that whatever you felt will never grow to be something you want and the fear of college and all the new things and new people. Being a complete outsider while it feels like the world is falling down around you and nobody will be there to catch you because you can't talk to anybody about it. Then I hurt myself again because I couldn't bare the pain anymore.
Every Day is Exactly the Same - Nine Inch Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31jenMJ0UOc
After that life just went its way, nothing happened, college went on and tried to keep up, feeling empty and useless every single day. A long list of days that came after days and were continued by more days in which I didn't feel like had a purpose.
The End - The Cure
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOZhtynjrTc
Then everything felt like a lost cause and the friends I had felt no longer like friends. I had to get away from those who I dearly love, hating myself for who I am. I thought I was going to kill myself, the pain in my heart was so violent that it could have ripped it apart if I had cried for a little longer. I couldn't even hurt myself to let go of the pain, I couldn't move anymore. After that I just wanted to get out, go away because I didn't want to be anything but air, realising that I am not a person somebody should have as a friend.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkJNyQfAprY
After leaving the place, the friend who I consider family and all I have, I stopped feeling. There is no real happiness, no real sorrow. Just empty feelings and if I could die tomorrow, so be it. I am just sitting out my time. I don't want to change it, I don't want to feel right now if it will make me sad. This is why I decided not to return to chat, if I don't have to feel the sadness I will try and make it so, even though it will never be good in the long term, I don't want to feel sad now. I have had enough pain in my life, I don't need and I don't want more pain. Just being is good enough for now, it's fine even though I know I am not, pretending is fine too you know.
Another Year - Amanda Palmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX21kRZdOy4
All the thoughts all the pain, I know that there will be another year and I will just wait another year, perhaps 2011 will be a better year. I will die a few years sooner than anticipated because I started smoking, because I live an unhealthy lifestyle with binge eating and bouts of depression and auto-mutilation. There are the little things that I want to see, to hear, to experience and perhaps that is just enough. I have made it through life longer than I thought I would, so what is another year on the twenty years I already got on my slate? Just another extra 5%, that seems like nothing, ain't it.
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