Stop Being Fat!

This is not really going to be about how I find myself too fat, that would be too much "woe is me," and you have had enough of that when I was talking to you 24/7. Not that posting a blog entry once or twice a day makes it any less whiny, but I guess it is a little better? Who knows. This entry will be more about how we all say things that might in the end hurt somebody, even though we were only joking, it is a bit of why at times I feel so incredibly ugly. We can love ourselves very much, love the way we look, love the way we treat others and behave, while others may absolutely hate it. In my case, my parents and siblings would rather see me like a normal member of society, which they will tell me every now and then when I believe I am on my best behaviour and feel good.

I am not a person who cares what others think about me, I couldn't care less, if you don't like my clothes, I don't care, I am the one walking around in them. It goes a step further when you start making faces in disgust when you see me walking by, this is what my mother does when she disagrees with the colour of my hair. She will repeatedly tell me it looks ugly or that in no way she would have bought those clothes while she agrees upon that fact that it is my money, my body so I can do whatever I want to do with it, apparently even piercings and tattoos are not much of a deal when I support the whole thing and thought things through.

Yesterday I just wanted to cut off every single layer of fat on my body. I mean, I am already in a place where I hate my body, sitting downstairs with the family and getting comments about how fat I am is not gonna make me feel better. The thing is they don't know that I keep struggling with my self-image. They will always jokingly tell me I can't have that because "it will make you fat." I guess there are enough girls and boys out there  that have the same, because a joke can still hurt.

My sister will always tell me how she is way more beautiful and sexier than me, because she is skinny and has a flat stomach. Yes I can see you are underweight and I keep struggling not to become overweight, because my body just disagrees on food. It just hurt when I see her stuffing her face with all kinds of fatty food and chocolate and other kind of candy while I will just gain weight like it is my job to do so, while she stays skinny no matter what. I don't want to know that is the overall image of beauty I always be second-best. I don't have the features that most people find really attractive, except for some big knockers that are only in the way and are not as great as people think they are.

It really is a fight to not let things get to you when all you have heard all your life is that you are ugly and fat. It takes years to finally think about your own body as a positive thing, full aware of the flaws it has because they have been pointed out a million times before. It doesn't help when people around you point out those flaws and tell you that they are better than you. Nobody deserve a push back to a state of self-hate. Yet, it happens every day, consciously or subconsciously. In the end you just make others create a totally unreal self-image by telling them they are never ever going to be as good looking as them, even though they look like shit themselves. My self-image is so completely messed up, I don't think it will ever be fixable because there will always be someone telling me they are better looking and that I am fat, well thank you for that. One day I will join you, I promise, even if that means I have to kill myself.