Secrets

There is so little that I can tell you, life is just tagging along with the hours that pass by as the earth turns around its axis of rotation and the sun. The weather is getting a little warmer, every day a little, some relapses in between I am sure. It won't be sunny all the time, the rain is there to wash away the pain and the sorrow of today and tomorrow is a new day. They say it can't rain all the time, but in my world it seems to be a little drizzly at all times.

Today wasn't anything special, I studied a little before heaving my musical rehearsal, which went absolutely shite. Couldn't hit the right notes and was completely distracted and nervous with that microphone in my face. Everybody could hear me talk during the small breaks, I don't want other to hear me from several different direction what I have to say about where on the sheet music we are or why my hair is still green. Also, the bandleader has this nifty camera so that the actors and singers can see him while he/we is/are playing behind the screen. Because I was sitting behind the band leader he was on the screen too, it made me feel nervous, even more than I already was and my body was aching from the eight hours I played yesterday.

I don't know why I called this entry 'Secrets', I had the idea to post something about how I am feeling and my thoughts about certain things after reading the blog of a dear friend of mine [check out Alicious]. You might think that it is really nice or completely stupid to do a daily blog. This thing was created to get things off my chest in a more controlled and less spontaneous way than on chat. I was supposed to reveal some of my secrets, but I have ended up writing rather shallow things about my life here. Then again, don't we all reveal only parts of ourselves, never tell whole truths to protects ourselves from possible slander. I never had someone to really tell secrets to without being judged and when I did I misused it and threw around secrets like it was nothing, while hiding the more important and urgent things. What I want to say is that, in every way I just want a best friend with whom I can share everything with, who knows when I am down and when I need a party to keep me going.  The reason why I am hiding behind a screen and in a darkened room is, that every time I thought I had a real friend they ended up hating and leaving me, not only that, somehow they hated my guts so much that they thought it was a good idea to turn loads of people against me. Somehow I just make people hate me, ruin their trust in me.

Am I the only person that when everything seems to be going just fine that I stab a friend in the back? Is it self-protection or am I just a real bitch?

Secret #1: A few years ago I met this real nice bloke on a forum. We just started talking, added each other on MSN and talked quite regularly. He was almost twice as old as me and from Germany. We just had a few things in common and we just talked a bit, nothing special. He just made me feel less alone and he understood me when it came to insecurities and struggling with trying to do something you are afraid of. It was the first person who personally supported me. One day out of the blue, he said something that triggered me. I started to curse at him, telling him to drop dead, to go screw himself. I hurt him so much that we never really got back to speaking like that anymore. He felt that he couldn't trust me anymore and that being so close to me, as a friend, could hurt him more than was good for him. Later I did the same to someone I did not talk so regularly to. He said something and I got agitated and I told him to drop dead too. He forgave me, but it just didn't feel right. Someone shouldn't behave like that, I had no reason to snap at either of them, yet I did. Every apology I made towards these two guys felt so empty, they felt like they didn't mean anything. I also told both of them that they meant nothing to me, that might as well be my own stupid imagination.

Perhaps I need friends that I can meet up more regularly so I stop doubting people's existence.