Girls with Slingshots

So, what do we all in life? A job, a degree or doing well at school/college/university and have friends you can talk to, perhaps even a boyfriend. I am in general missing out on all those, not that I am failing college or that I don't have friends, but it feels like that most of the time. I am not the most intelligent girl in my class, nor the one that studies the hardest and it suddenly doesn't make anyone feel better when someone blatantly says that he probably is the most intelligent person in my class. If he was he would understand vegetarianism and the habit of keeping pets, because I am not hurting my cat in anyway, nor am I being selfish by doing so. I am not saying that I am the best pet owner in the world, but I am certain that my cat could have had worse if I wasn't so patient, lazy and love her crazy to bits. On the friends part, of course I have friends, friends who love me, friends who I can hang around with, but they certainly don't come cheap and do not live close or go to the same college or anything. There is no one in my class that would invite me any of their parties unless they want to invite the whole class, because it is awkward to leave one person out. I know, I am a hard one to like and my weirdness is probably the worst of all. I scare everyone away with my knowledge of random things, of sex, of sex toys. Even my music style is so far from anyone else's, we cross at some parts but I am too picky and don't listen to your average hard rock or metal. Most of all, I just want to be loved by someone, and I am sure that I am not the only one on this.

Girls with Slingshots (click to see in full size)

I just miss having a proper social life incredibly. That shooter in Alphen is stereotyped as the lone soul who spends his life in his room. It sounds so much like me, I hardly leave the house unless it is for college, because honestly what else could I do? I could call some of my friends but I lost all numbers this winter or I could go on MSN and talk to some, ask my chat account back and try to be normal. I am just not that person anymore and I am more than afraid that the person I left behind this autumn is so far removed from the one that I am not that going back is like trying to fit into the clothes I wore four years ago, because those wouldn't fit me at all. I don't see my life improving and if I fail this year I might as well stop studying at all because this life is just not meant for me, this kind of studying is not something I really enjoy and this branch of job is not something that will make me a happy grown up later in life. I just can't be a normal working person, I have no vision of what my work would look like, how my life should look like. I know the meaning of work, I am not a lazy person and I worked before, but it seems that nothing fits me.

Remember how I lost about 10kg last year, well, everything is almost back. It frustrates me to no end, my dream body would be that of someone at least much thinner, thinking about losing 20kg or more, a little taller, less broad and better hair. There is just nothing left of the body I had a few years back. I feel disgusted with myself, I feel disgusted with my body, the way it is, the way it looks, all the little things that are way TMI for this blog. What frustrates me more is that even though I lost 10kg last year I didn't drop an inch of fat, I don't know where I lost fat, my butt perhaps??? I turned into a fucking binge eater, like I have always been. Sometimes I just cry when I have eaten because I just can't put a finger in my throat and throw it all up.

More things that make my stupid hard jump and give out. This period there is a course called CEI: Concepts and Entertainment Industries, in which you focus on a certain branch of the entertainment industry. I am not scared about the assignment but about the requirements. One of those requirements is that you write with less than five spelling and grammar mistakes on every two pages. If you would grammar and spell check this blog entry you would at least find a dozen that are just incredibly stupid and unnecessary. So yes, I am afraid to fail the course solely on my bad spelling.