How is it to be social, to just have friends to call and all that. Somehow friends just seem to happen or not at all. This morning there was this awkward moment of not being wanted for some reason or another, I am still not sure how it all works. So, because I now live closer to college than two years ago I take the same train as several of my classmates. This morning I stood on the platform and saw a classmate and projectgrouppartner on the platform waiting on the same train I was with her sister. So I decided to walk up to them and say 'hi' and ask if she had studied and if she was confident in her exam. That went ok, nothing awkward about that. It became awkward when we got in the same train, the sister of my classmate went to sit somewhere with only two seats while there was enough space for the three of us to sit together. I was clearly not wanted because the rest of the journey she and her sister were just whispering to eachother, or just talking softly, whatever it was they didn't want to include me either.
I keep wondering if something is wrong with me, is there something written on my forehead, do I smell, do I look so ugly that people don't want to be associated with me? I really don't know but everything just seems to just put up with me. No one seem to have any intentions to be closer to me than just a random classmate. The projectgroup partner suddenly became best friends with another classmate while she was just a week in school, they started constantly texting to each other. I find that just odd, because when you are working on a project with a group you should text one of your projectgroup partners that you are sick, no you text that classmate that has become a close friend. I just can't compute with it.
In college everyone seems to have enough friends at home, they are not looking to make more friends. My goal of this college year was to try and find new friends and go out and all those things that seem normal amongst most students here. I just feel incredibly left out all the time, there seems to nobody in my direct social life that feels like hanging out with me. Perhaps it has not been the smartest of ideas to cut off my friends from the internet, but somehow they just got me down because that chat gave me enough fuel to restart my fire of negativity.
Perhaps all this anti-socialising is part of college life, perhaps things are different at the university, but I guess not. I just miss the year in Utrecht, it feels so stupid to look back but every time I make a concious decision things seem to get worse than before. In Utrecht there were people who really wanted to hang out with me, invited me to their birthdays and in general just like to hang out with me and I loved to hang out with them.
So yes, I won't mind if you asked me out to do something fun, haven't done that with friends for quite some time. No, I just really want to get drunk with friends and be silly, something I just haven't done in a long time, say half a year ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment