This will be one of my more serious blog entries and if you don't want the really serious part of me, look away and find happy puppy pictures to look at. I also know that it is hard for some of you to read everything I write, but as I use this blog as a journal, I might as well tell the truth about things. You might have already guessed what this lovely entry is going to be about, I am still not sure but I will try to stay on topic. I just need some time and a place to ramble about self-harm/auto-mutilation/cutting.
Many of you know that I have been struggling with this issue for a long time. I also know that some of my friends have or are still struggling with the issue of self-harm.For most of us hurting ourselves is a way of coping with emotions and situations that we cannot cope with as others might. The thing that occurred to me this weeks is that when you have started hurting yourself to cope there is no way of going back. Is it some sort of ultimate way of coping, once you have felt the pain it is all you ever want and even though you might no longer cut you know how it feels and how good it was when you did cope in this destructive way. I certainly don't say it is a good way to cope with anything, but like drugs, once you tried you know that coping can feel better than feeling down for a week before you can go on with your life. In my mind and memory cutting is like an instant coping mechanism, you cut, you cope. It doesn't take long and for that temporary moment you don't feel whatever storm there is blowing through your head.
Auto-mutilation is classified as an addiction however it is one you don't have to pay for. It is only destructive for your skin and perhaps self-esteem. You might never be cured from this. Lately my mind is wondering off to hurting myself, though I do not feel like there is anything that troubles my mind. Perhaps it is the lack of stimuli that makes me want to hurt myself because I want to feel something, anything at all. Laughing at a joke is not the same as being happy, perhaps lack of emotions is reason enough to want to feel some sort of relief. Strange that after not cutting for almost half a year I am starting to think about lashing a belt across my back.
I can't remember why I started writing about this. I guess that I just wanted to say how triggering a lot of things are. Once you know how good pain can feel, seeing that on tv or anything where people get hurt you want to get back to that. From experience I know that the first time you get back to hurting yourself it will be a disappointment. It will hurt much more than you initially thought it would. I guess my cutting does no longer come from the feeling of being down and unwanted but the general feeling of not wanting to be in this body. The deeper you cut, the better it feels because the moment you can skin yourself alive everything will be better.
Strange how brains can be fucked up that they do not see the severity of things like hurting yourself. Really, would it be our fault when we want to hurt ourselves or are our brains just pretty screwed up that we cannot see the line between what is dangerous and harms us and what not? I guess my brain is pretty fucked up and my reality is so far away from "reality" that I could be the hallucinations of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Perhaps I am just a little addict, looking for my next fix while I quite, like all celebrity junkies in Hollywood would end up in rehab every few months. Officially I no longer harm myself, unfortunately the scars never lie.
What truths does your body tell?
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