Easily Dissapointed

I can't say I have been working my butt off for college. I tend to be a very lazy kind of student who finds time to game more often than to study. I deserve all I got, but I seem to even fail the things I am sort of confident about and pass things that I really didn't think were any good at all. Still, I am easily disappointed, with most things in life. Story of my life, but even that is disappointing. My life and my mind are more disappointing than Lake Disappointment and that one was a big disappointment.

I had promised myself to do better than my sister, because after all I got more life experience. It is failing badly, I am just not good at anything I am so fucking mediocre that it is bad. I thought I was at least rather decent at writing, thinking about the fact that I write quite a lot and have no much trouble writing things. No, apparently I am not so good at writing official letters at all, I am merely average like everyone else. Perhaps I just want too much of myself but isn't that the point, asking that 110% of yourself so you can be proud of yourself? I just wanna be the best but I don't want to work for it, or perhaps I do but somehow I lack motivation and discipline to do so.

The worst part of it all is that I actually want to go to university but with these grades and the discipline and motivation it in an undone task. I mean, if I can't even do these things with ease and good grades why would I expect anything different from university? I am so bloody hopeless, what the hell do I expect from myself. I am a waste of space and love and time and money. Why are you reading this anyway, I don't give anything back, especially not now. You are reading pixels that might not even give a shit about you. Disappointment, much? I got no clue why I am living this damn life, there is nothing that is making me anyone. This mediocrity is just a time bomb ready to explode inside of me and kill me. Even the things I love to do are just nothing in quality compared to anyone else.

I am no one special and I won't be anyone special. I am very much replaceable, you probably already have, that's fine because the upgrade will be better than I ever was and I won't be returning in your life anyway. I have been flushed away like the giant turd made by some greedy bastard with morbid obesity.

Also, my parents are trying to buy that damn fucking shit house. The whole inside as to be redone, not even a little, walls have to be torn down and the roof has to be replaced. I do not have friends here, I have nothing here, just me and family, in the summer I will have no place to call home and only half a family. Next year I will have only my sister and a weekend family. Everything would be better without me. I wish I had fairly odd parents, they could make me disappear to the land of those who wished they had never been born.

On the other hand my averageness fits the sixes culture that our former MP used to talk about.