So, I am back again, suicide seems a long way from now even though I am anxiously awaiting some of my grades. Failing seems so inevitable, but who will say, perhaps there is still hope.
I believe that my friends, the ones I left to lead their own lives on that old familiar place, are having a blast and are talking about sex tonight. Whatever happened to me? What happened to me that I am no longer part of those nightly adventures, those daily jokes about sex, of which I made many. The fact that I am known for my sexual innuendoes isn't explainable, but notorious under my fellow chat members.
Is there a way back after I have left them last November, who will they be now and who am I in all that? I don't doubt that I have changed, I have never been such a serious student, but who are they after these months. I don't deny that everybody changes, for good or for worse. My only question is, who do they think that I am? How do they remember me. I have left many impressions in my years of internet addiction, but what person did I leave behind. I guess nobody really has gotten through the person I am inside, the scared, brace, innocent and funny girl that goes by the name of Giselle of Gigi.
I miss the personality I was on the internet. It doesn't mean that I am somebody completely different in real life. It is just that in real life I have to adjust to so many things that I don't want to adjust to but have to for my own sake. Is the real me a person they wanted to know, the one that made people go crazy with fear for I could kill myself, could hurt myself, could never come back. Is it somebody they love, or just learned to deal with over time. I am not perfect in any way, that would be the most impossible thing to be. To myself I am a bitch, a drama queen, never fair and never straight, always lying and always pretending to feel better than I actually do. I am a clown compared to the personality inside. What is it that people see in me, is it the clown or have they learned to see through my mask and see the scared little girl that tries to fight everything, afraid to lose the battles she fights with bravery in her heart?
The question that is still lingering is, who are you that are reading this blog. Since a week I have gotten visitors from all over the world and from places I don't personality know anyone from. Who are you and why are you reading my blog? Could you come forward and just say who you are and why you are reading this piece of uninteresting fragments of thoughts.
3 comments:
Oh, I'm glad suicide isn't on the agenda anymore. I'd miss you - it isn't uninteresting - your blog. At least I enjoy reading it - you're fascinating person. Continue fighting bravely :)
Anyway I wrote on the previous who is stalking the blog entry. I don't know if you are interested more in my psychopathic entity?
Well, you know who I am, and I'm reading your blog because you're one of the few people I know who have the ability to write their thoughts down in a way that I can understand and relate to. And also because I miss you and want to know how you've been. And I think people in chat would love to have you back. ♥ I know I would.
You know who I am as well, and I could probably write more or less the same as Stainy did above. My reasons are pretty much the same. I know we never got to know each other thaat well, but I've always liked you Gi and I like reading your entries. They are well written and I like knowing whats going on in your life (as much as you tell here).
And if you one day decide to come back I'd be very happy, but that is your thing.
♥ Purple
Post a Comment