During my puberty I thought I had falling in love, that I was smitten with some foolish boy that I hardly knew. This all ended in disaster, leaving me heart broken, even though I hadn't even falling in love. They did not break me heart with love, they just broke my trust, my self-esteem. I felt like used trash for a long time.
The first time I fell in love, it wasn't like I had imagined. I was bitter, believed that nobody would love me and that I would be alone forever. I shared my life, my thoughts with a person who turned from casual chat friend to my first girlfriend. It wasn't a love at first sight thing, it was more of a care thing that made me love her so much that I couldn't imagine a life without her. It was love, it was a very special, very lasting king of love if it wasn't for our incompatibility when it came to coping with problems.
I have had two serious crushes in the last two years. Both were pretty hopeless it seems and it doesn't make me feel any better about the whole love thing. The first of these two is a girl who is absolutely perfect in my mind, in everybody's mind as every guy and gal in this universe seems to have a crush on her. She has known about my crush for almost forever, we don't mind, friends can still kiss, right? The second one was a boy who I stayed with for a week and in his way of caring made me fall in love, big time. I had never felt that way before about anyone. It even broke my heart when I had to go back home, worst flight home in the history of my goodbeys. IT didn't make it any better that I kept it a secret for a very long time and that it drove me crazy to the point of me crying myself to sleep because I didn't know how to fix this whole ordeal with me loving him. In the end I got into an argument with him about me stressing about college and me deciding to run away from my life on the internet. It was a good decision because it made me realise how much time I was wasting on the internet that I could have used to become better at college.
Now I am just bitter and I don't care about love. It's not something I feel, my heart feels rather empty. Astronomical my heart would be declared a black hole, not because it is bad, but because it seems pretty much vacant. All I know is stress and more stress and mild depression. It's hard to open your heart when the forecast is pain. When is a good time to open your heart and is it necessary to open it to anyone these days, with the one night stands and the turmoil that is relationships. Is bitterness a good alternative? Do we need to protect our hearts so we don't get hurt? I feel like I need to because every stab in my heart could mean I fall into depression, which could have a lot of negative effects on my life. Better to prevent than to have to clean up the mess afterwards.
P.S. there just ran a mouse through the living room and now I am ready to catch it and I can't find it anywhere! Bugger!
1 comment:
I understand how you feel. It seems so hopeless the whole love thing. :\
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