Dear Suicide

Dear miss suicide, I have encountered you and your kind many times before. In better times I would have laughed at you and called you bluff, but your sneering sense of humour is getting to me. You can take me for a fool, for screaming your name for such a trivial thing, but doesn't trivial things make life worth living?

This year I have devoted to getting a special paper that confirms that I am able to study at university level. I am almost old enough to be a completely independent person according to country law, even though it doesn't say much anymore as you are legal to do whatever you want by age 18 anyway. On my way to anything there have been many trials, that I have overcome or slipped through them like silky water through your fingers. Today is a black day for my future, even the sun outside didn't prevent me from bursting into tears. It is not the sudden realisation that I am going to fail this year, for me it is even worse, it is the fear of failure that makes me so afraid that I wouldn't want to fall asleep in a thousand years if that would make a distant future out of tomorrow.

For I have been working so hard to get this one thing right, the only thing that I have to get right to pass every single course this year. To get that special paper that could be my entrance ticket to the world of universities. Today I came to realise that I am just bluntly stupid and that I will never, ever pass this test in a thousand year. Every next attempt will be futile as I just can't pass this test, I don't understand it, I make mistake after mistake and I don't know how to fix this. I was never the brightest bulb in the box when it came to economics, but this course just beats everything to me. I have never been so frustrated in my life over something that seems so small to others.

Right now I would rather stick a blade into my heart that do that exam tomorrow, for that will be the end of me. I do not want to fail, I cannot fail, everything else has been okay, or passable till now. I admire those who step out in the rain knowing that it will kill them, the soldiers that run out to their enemies knowing that will get killed. For me, going to college tomorrow and take that test will be one of the bravest thing I have ever done. It is all or nothing and I can't be held responsible for my actions after this. I simply cannot fail again. I have failed so many times, struggled to not kill myself, but I am sick of it. I am sick of getting so close to everything I want and just not getting it. The world is against me and they laugh at me! They mock me for every inch of my body that is not a fleshy stick.

For all the blood red tears, the blade is mightier than the pen, for every word I spill on the paper of this imaginary journal, I spill another drop of blood on the floor. Nothing heals the hurt that my heart feels, every beat. Every inch of my aches for the hurt in my mind. Do not tell me I do not need to spill my blood for a little thing like this, I spill my pain so I don't have to bear the pain in my heart on my sleeve. The world doesn't have to know that I suffer over trivial things, the physical pain is just enough to cover up the face that screams in agony. A blood of drop for every word I cannot say to anyone.

Dear suicide, tomorrow we might meet. Hopefully I will be the one calling you bluff, sneering at you with a sarcastic remark. Even an orgasm is had more often than you get visitors.