It has been quite some time since I posted a blog entry, though most of you have found me on tumblr. In this case the proverb "pictures say more than words" applies to tumblr. The reason why I haven't posted anything on this dreadful blog is that I couldn't put my feelings into words.
Sometimes it is so hard to understand the sadness that is clinging to your heart. The immense darkness that swirls through your body like a sandstorm. It eats all the happiness, all the rational thoughts and turns them into a rage of sadness, anger and hatred. Which is the best fucking thing that can happen to you when you are actually trying to study, to make studying worth your while. So I was there, sitting at my desk, but nothing came out of my mind, just the darkness consuming my heart. The moment I was actually trying to study my body just gave out, I collapsed on my desk in a bout of almost crying and almost sleeping. It was so terribly to feel so used up, so sad and so weak.
Endless thoughts of suicide and cutting crossed my mind. Blood, pain and cuts were all I could think about, eternal sleep underground. Stream of conciousness writing would have probably given a good example on how these kind of bouts of depression sound like in my head, but alas, somehow this depression suddenly morphed itself into a dancing mood. Sometimes there are not even thought in my head, which is unusual, my head is completely clear and completely consumed with the darkness from my heart. It is so overwhelming, so strong that all you want to do, all I want to do is just die to no longer have to feel.
"I will never make this, my life is going to hell. How do I I can't do this. Fuck I am fat and ugly and fat, shit I need to lose weight and fast. I don't want to, don't want to, I just want my feelings to shut the fuck up, everything should shut the fuck up. Why did I even think of going to uni, I am too bloody stupid for any of this. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can't ... fuck, fuck fuck fuck. I feel so sad ....... fuck. fuck. Why the fuck am I feeling this, I do no want .... why the hell do I look so ugly, fat, ugly, fatrolls, zits, bags under my eyes, uni is too hard for me. I can't do this, I will fail. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I .. need ... pain, want .. pain, where are my ... don't think about it, just go to bed, just try to ... fuck, can't do this, can't get my brain to function .. fuck fuck"
and that would go on for a long time, until I had a panic attack and was close to cutting the hell out of myself but didn't and instantly my mind cleared. Wrote the damn essay to have horrible thoughts of failing the paper. Which in the end I didn't fail at all, which is quite a miracle. [sarcasm] But body issues, never heard of those, why the hell would I have body issues? Really, you think so? [/sarcasm]
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