Great Expectations

Sometimes we all have great expectations, expectations of greatness, we see ourselves doing the impossible. We give ourselves challenges, aware of their impossibleness, we give up, lose hope and become less than that we ought to become. Why do we push outselves to becomes more than that we are, ending up being less than what we hoped for.

Often enough, too often one might say, I think of my place in the educational system of this country. I am no exception for working my way up to university, but most will not succeed. Does this mean I am one of them, failing all my classes in the first semester, or is it the endless bickering with myself that gets me down and makes me a puppet of time, played with and lifeless to my mind. I am terribly afraid that I have reached my limit and that what I want is not what I can get. Stuck between wanting to study something more theoretical than offered at the University of Applied Science but a little less than University of Science demands you to know. Perhaps I am just lazy, a product of this age, brought up in wealth, unaware to hard labour and managing work, school and friends effortlessly.

All I know now is that I have to re-sit these test, hopefully being able to study, unless the first time for which I just hoped for the knowledge to float into my brainspace and fester like boils of knowledge. I will make an effort to make this work, I will have to, I wouldn't know what to do if University, as we call it, is too darn hard for me. I should stop making excuses and tell myself the cold hard truth, instead of hiding behind these so-called philosophical ideas. I am a lazy mother fucker, who blames everything but herself for things not going according to plan and I think way too high of my intelligence. An IQ test done by professionals, for reason I told you about a few years ago, had has answer than my IQ is about 108, that is far too low for every finishing University or even University of Applied science, though I do not quite believe the answer as it was done in a social setting and every time that happens I score remarkably lower than I usually do. It is what happened with the primary school's reading tests, I got so nervous about giving a possible wrong answer that it took me very long to give an answer at all, that time was calculated in the grade, they never knew that it took me so long to answer, not because I was trying to figure out the answer, I knew the answer immediately, but it took me so long because I tossed and turned the answer a thousand times wondering if it wasn't wrong, before I dared telling the teacher.

Life is odd and I think I will just have to battle myself and my mind for the rest of my life. Sometimes it is easy and I won't even notice, other time will be harder. I have to promise to make the schedules, study and prepare for the resists like a good student. I will have to succeed.