Necsio

My head doesn't make sense, my thoughts don't make sense, nothing makes sense. I am wondering in candy wonderland and all I see is rotten teeth, obesity and rotting sweets. The world around me and my situation on paper might be one of the most ideal, not quite, but still, it is damn near perfect. I just feel so empty, I get nothing done and everything seems like a giant task while all I need to do are not quite difficult things, yet I seem to fail at most. Exam week is not far ahead and I haven't start studying, failed my English essay, still need to revise it if possible, or else I have failed that too, write a second essay and prepare a presentation. Everything is just a little too much and all I do is game. There is nothing else I do but game, I feel like a terrible person but that is all I can set my mind to do. I have set my mind to playing Heavenly Sword and Final Fantasy VVII, something is terribly wrong with me. Also, it is 4.30am, and I am still awake and tomorrow is homework day, in which I am going to finish a bunch of things I have put off and need to do! I promise myself this!

I still feel like I am left out to float, nothing seems to grab on to me, I just soar between the jellyfish and they fold their tentacles under their bodies, absorb the water, the plankton, while I just drift, between then, aimlessly, destinationless, free. The feeling of not being wanted by the only person I really talk to creeps up on me more and more and loneliness is sneaking into the corners of my brain telling me that nobody wants me and I am better off dead anyway. There is a room full of conversation and relationships going on around me and I feel like I am the only one left out, I always feel like the only one left out. If I could only grab onto my words and travel with them into the minds of others, fester and shoot out with their words directed to me, so I can fill my brain with a witty reply.

You, my dear readers, are voyeurs of my world, you do not participate in it. If only this voyeurism of yours would expand to a somewhat more social experience, this blog might actually change, but alas, words only travel into your brain and fall into the huge archives you keep. It is like talking to a wall and my screams seem to just crash against it, not even making a dent. I do not know who you are and perhaps once I knew who you were, but I no longer don't. I forget names, I forget faces, I forget people. Someday I will forget my own name, forget my face and I stop being someone, and return to a primitive state of simply 'being'.

Sometimes I feel like I am a fraud, that I am a fake, that I do not suffer from anything and that I am just a big pussy. What if I do not feel sadness, what if I am just lazy? That would be devastation, there is no cure against laziness and that would make me solely responsible for the way I believe my mind works. I am partly lazy, partly easily distracted and the sad just wraps it up. I don't know, what defines depression or sadness? Are you supposed to cry, lock yourself in your room, cut yourself, believe the world is an awful place, perhaps wanted to die? What if you just stop caring about everything because the world is a shithole and so is everything else. I can no longer define depression, some people get branded with depression without even knowing they are depressed, they thought they were normal but apparently that normal was not quite 'normal' enough. What if I am just a pessimist, to the bone, that sees the world as this rotting place nobody should want to live in. Life is confusing, feelings are more confusion, sometimes I wish that life didn't exist, it is too damn complicated to enjoy and even talking to people is a take I like to avoid. I am a reclusive and I will keep it that way.

This was it for this morning, I'm going to bed. The moon is shining bright, making a perfectly spooky scenery about the sleeping city. Also it is still very stormy outside. Night. Good morning and a Good day!