Last week has been the most loving and most exhausting week(end) of my entire life. Many things were left unsaid, others repeated a thousand times. My heart was flowing over with the love for all of you, my dearies, my life, my friends. There is no words to describe how I feel when I am with you, you are special in your own way and have all the right in the world to everything good that comes to you. However to all your loveliness is a huge downside that I cannot deny even though I try to.
Having a meet up is the best way to embrace the awesomeness that our chat groups is, but piling 21 people together for a few days is just way to much for my brain to handle. There is not enough air to breath, not enough space to be. The constant noise is an attack on my braincells that I wish wouldn’t happen, but it does and it gave me a constant headache. That is why, in all love and happiness of the Universum, I decided to join a small group and go to a hookah bar to relax, to be away from everything and just sit and quietly talk. I know that this whole thing wasn’t well planned and has offended and hurt others.
I guess that all the happiness and love in the world has a karma downside, all the lovely people seems to inevitably attract creeps and others that find our prettiness unresistible. All the love we give each other usually gets trialled by things going wrong, people hurting each other by accident or being taken the wrong way. I don’t mind it, but it takes a whole lot not to burst out in tears every time people go down the dark path and are hurt, get hurt or when creeps turn up. I am not a tough person at all, I am barely bouncing on the border of sanity, happiness or anxiety and I fall right under it whenever something happens.
The other thing that I have been struggling with since most people left is my promise to rejoin chat. It is a thing I would gladly do, a thing that I have set my heart to, a wish of a thousand years since I found my own happy spot. Then I got into chat through Hamster’s account and realised how much I have missed during the time I was away and that there is no way in the world I can catch up. There are things I simply don’t understand, inside jokes that are lost to me and other things have found their way through the internet into chat that I am oblivious about since my lack of internet. I feel like a complete outsider, like I have always felt in high school and my last year of college. It is not a feeling I would like to force upon myself, I can force myself to go into a place that could possibly make me unhappy.
I know that chat comes with the good and the bad, but not having to deal with other people’s unhappies makes me a more levelled and balance person. There is nothing other on my mind that school and myself, no drama caused by others, no crushes I need to get over, just me. It sounds really selfish but when is the time to just think about yourself and not about others and when is it time to help the world, only if it is just the few people you came to care about a long time ago. It’s an awful dilemma, because how do you care about people and not feel like you are leaving them when things go wrong, how can you be a real friend and not a fair-weather friend. I don’t want to be a fair-weather friend, chatfamily is worth more to me than for me to be their fair-weather friend.
Chat has been a wonderful place, to me and to others, it has given me more close friends than I would ever though I could have. Unfortunately, none of them are my best friends, close friends, I-call-you-up-because-I-like-you friends. Maybe it is me that keeps too much to myself, maybe I am just the odd one out.
To summarise this whole thing is that I would love to come back and pour out my over flowing heart, because my love for your is strong and big and all consuming. I don’t want to be a state of unhappiness because I am chat, because I feel left out and alone. I am not an easy one, nor the cleverest and I am certainly not all knowing.
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