Anything

These are the moment that create a lingering thought in my mind, penetrating the thin membrane between sadness and happiness. I don't wallow in my sadness, sadness is just an overpowering emotion that renders me unable to become anything but the sadness that I feel inside. The reason that I have fallen into this 'sudden' sadness is that I, as usual, feel alone. I always feel alone and it doesn't make it any better for myself when I deliberately distance myself for any friends I have. Again, this is never the main reason, nothing is the main reason to feel the urge to rip out my guts and wanting myself to be a gutted fish flapping on the floor.

The reason I live is to be better, better than anyone, better than the best, I can always try, can't I? I am such a pretentious person, I believe that I am incredibly intelligent, while I am far from it. I am a spoiled, mean, brat that lives of her daddy's money, is not any better than any one and is ugly and a rotter health. Why do I even want to go to university while I am only average in college anyway? I won't be doing any better in university and will probably fail at anything. This is an even more saddening thought, because I am nothing special in general, I can only make myself special by achieving things. I suck at achieving so I mean nothing, I mean nothing to myself either, my life doesn't mean a thing to me.

It saddens me that this blog is read so little by the people who I care about. I understand it, why would you want to read about me when there are enough friends that actually talk to you? It's like waiting for the rain that never comes. I don't understand why I even try to join any meet-up, I don't feel friendship or love anyway, it is wasted money. I am wasted money because It will just end in death in any case. Perhaps I am just born in the wrong body, in the wrong decade, in the world country.

6 months since I have talked to you, I have not left, where have you been? I've gone to Avalon, a place where nobody goes to, I could be the air you are breathing, the toxins, the oxygen that slowly destroys your cells. Don't get addicted to my pain, my misery, it will only hurt you, I got no feelings after all. I don't need you, my heart is to be alone. Have the heart to tell me that you hate me, like the ignorant fools on tv, like the jerk that always hits on you, like the hateful words people spit at you.