I think I have gone over this issues a long time ago, when I was so caught up in my Finals and didn't know what I was going to do with the next year. That next year was last year and we all know how that turned out, it ended me up on ranks of the minimum wage wagon while being suicidal half of the time and behaving like my 14 year old self that couldn't take responsibility and was rotting away in her cell. It just seems like my life is going in vicious circles of wasting years and trying to work twice as hard the next year but failing. I think the working hard but failing part is the worse because the wasting year is less fail but also less work. I hate responsibility I want to go back to the time that I was still young enough to not have to deal with all kind of things but old enough to be seen as someone with a pretty solid opinion and a life of her own. Now I am just living my life as my parents tell me to, I work because they want me to, I behave like they want me to, I go on holiday because my sister tells me to and I pretend I am normal just to safe myself and them the troubles of having to deal with who I am. Hello World, I won't be a teenager in a few months!! Look where I am! I am the teenager I never was, because now I got time to rethink everything and get anxious about everything because I have time to think instead of stressing out and feeling miserable and wishing I was dead, now I just do that because I know I am being pointless.
That was totally not the issue I was going to address, so here it is. It is April as of yesterday. I am supposed to apply for college so I can start studying after the summer. I was pretty enthusiastic in September and thought that the world was smiling at me again because I got a direction, but now I am not so sure anymore. I was planning on doing Management and Entertainment, so I can both combine my love for cultural activities and having a solid job that does not require me to an artistic talent. Yet I realise that I can not do half the things I would need to do, I am bath at maths AND economics. The only thing I am really good at is writings, which is not that good, just mediocre. What do I do now?
Do I look for another direction, another study while deep in my heart I know that all I want to do is study English language and culture, that is what I want. But I can't do that yet, I first need to either get 60 points of another study or go back to High School or Adult Education to finish the last two years of VWO. I know that both ways I will lack skills. I had a pretty hard time at High School because I am not good at everything, yet they require of you to be good in all kinds of stuff. I am not good at French, the grammar just kills me, I can't do maths because it confuses me, I can be good at it until I do the final test of the subject and then I fail because I start doubting myself. I hate economics, it's even more confusing than maths and I never got the hang of everything and was just bored all the way to my finals. the only thing I loved was Dutch, Dutch Literature, English and Biology. That is pretty limited, I don't believe that I can push myself trough a year of constant studying things I do not want to do, I did not like it when I was still in school and I don't like it now.
I am so stuck again, I don't know what I need to do. I certainly want to go back to studying, I hate not learning anything, I feel dumb, I feel like my brain is just shutting off now because it does not get new information. I love learning new interesting things, I love history, I love travelling, I love English but I am not the person I want to be. I am unmotivated, completely scared of the world, I can never ever makes decisions, I always make myself more important than I am, I complain way too much and my writing and complaining is as terrible I also got the habit of making typos. I always have, I can pen down anything without making a mistakes, yet typing is something I haven't mastered yet, so many keys and my fingers just want everything way too fast. It's like me and playing violin I just want everything to fast. Another fact you may not know about me, I am a horrible perfectionist, not in the way you might know it. I want everything to be perfect or I will not give a shit. If I can't get it right the first try I will not try again. That is why I never ever check anything I write because the moment I re-read it I will hate it to the point I will delete it and have done so many times before. It's such a horrible thing I do, if I can't play that melody right the first time I try and will almost literally throw my violin out of the window. It's so frustrating, I am frustrating and I still have no idea how you all put up with me. I also generalise way too much, making me sounds like a stupid asshole who thinks she is right all the time. Which reminds me how mad I used to get because I was right so many times but nobody wanted to listen what I got to say and they just wrote down or started talking about the wrong answer or idea because they didn't like to the point that any answer I gave could not be right because it was me talking.
Thank you for listening.
I might stay here a little longer.
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