Self Destruction

There are so many things I do, others do, humans do, without even realising why, that destroys themselves. I have learned myself the ways of self-destructions, along with various methods of emotional selfharm. You might wonder, why the hell would anyone cause any harm to themselves in an emotional way or any other way. Except for cutting, this thing is more worrying. Cutting is not my self-destruction because cutting is something that I do to safe myself from more self-destruction, from doing real harm instead of taking it out on myself.

I am concerned about the things I do to myself. I have been abusing myself for as long as I can remember, it is a strange thing and it drives my parents mad because it just looks like I am spoiled. Usually when something gets changed to something I get to something I have to share I will just say that I don't want it anymore, not because I want to manipulate anyone into given me all, but because I want  to deprive myself from having it so I can be hurt and feel neglected. When I get asked for a party and it is not quite clear and they re-ask if I want to go I will say no, so I can sit at home, in bed, crying because I did not go. I do that all just to make myself feel bad.

I drink too much at times just for the sake of getting drunk, I take any kind of aspirin that I can get my hands on and take more than the prescribed doses at all time making me sick and something vomit.

While typing this I am working on 5 pills of 400mg ibuprofen, that is trice as much as you should take on a regular day, I take all does pills in one go. The more I think about this issues the more I start to wonder. Am I really this self destructive or am I just trying to hard. All I know now is that whatever I am trying to do it is to make me feel less connected to this place and this life. Maybe I emotionally abuse and make myself feel neglected because sadness is all I knew for a long time and going to a place that is actually comfortable is scary. Though, thinking of being happy I know that I just don't want to be happy and hoping because the higher you are up there, you harder you will fall. I don't want to fall. So, could this behaviour be more a sort of protection system so I would make myself fall to hard because I am already down here and not up there.

Could there be a way that I could tell myself that I can feel better? I typed that as I start crying because I am so scared when it comes to feeling better. What is feeling better as you can't even do a simple phonecall without the world to stop turning. I am not crazy enough to be locked up, I am not sane enough to live a healthy life.

I don't know how to really live. I have fallen back in my routine of only eating dinner and only chatting.


I believe it is time to go to bed, since I can't feel my fingers anymore and it's half one.