Some friends I know have written love on their arms today. TWLOHA is an depression awareness project, to help people out who battle depression, self harm, addiction and that kind of things.
I am sitting here timing, all I want to do is carve in my arm. I want to feel the pain, I want to see the blood running down my arm, make the world stop spinning and go into overdrive at the same time while I float away into sleep. I do not want to think about all the pain from the past, I do not want to think about how I do not live. I am an empty shall trapped by fear. How much this sound like Donnie Darko's health education is scary, but this is slightly different. Fear traps you in your body, no matter what, it prevents you from doing things you want to do. There is also the hate, I hate my body so much, my self, my personality, the person I am. I want me to be gone to be removed from this earth like trash. There is not enough words to describe how I am feeling, perhaps I can but it's awkward to write about how much things hurt and how much hate I feel towards myself.
Now all I want to do is take that razor and cut until I can't feel the razor digging into my body and my head is just an empty sea, waves rolling, gently sweeping over the beach before going back into the darkness.
I am not in my body, I have retreated to deep inside myself and my body is just on autopilot.
Just make everything stop, everything,
even life.
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