Disappointment Appointment

*is sitting in her room with all the lights out except her desklight, drinking mead and chatting on the special awesomeness chat*

Last Saturday I went to the infamous Dutch Elf Fantasy Fair, it was a sunny and bright day and I even got sunburnt. In the bus me and my siblings already met a boy named Jaco who was the same age as my sister and was on the same school my sister went to just in another place not all to far from where I live.

I was dressed up as something, just my prom dressed altered to look more like a bustle skirt with bloomers,garters and stockings underneath finished with my underbust, while my brother was wearing his fleece cape that I dubbed the Super Snuggie. My sister topped it all, she went fully dressed as Lara Croft from Tombraider and gained all attention with her trained legs and tiny body and cute face.

the next day we had to go to my grandma's birthday were all the grandchildren performed in our own redemption of sister act. Not only did I realised how much my grandmother does not like me but also how much of a hypocrite my mother is.

Disappointment, let me make a list.

• I took about 30 pictures at the EFF, trying to improve my skills. Apparently the camera was empty and had no roll in it so all my efforts has been for nothing and the whole point of going to the EFF has been ruined since I the main point is not there, gone, vanished because of my mother not listening or just being ignorant of what we asked.
• I left my sunglasses in my grandma's church.
• I bought a lovely crystal ball clock but it just stopped working and I can't get it back to working again and costs me my pretty money, my savings.
• The corset I bought is already falling apart. The flowers on the garter parts are already falling apart while I own it less than a day.
• I haven't asked days off from work yet meaning that I can't go on holiday.
• Half the week people have been commenting about the fact that I am always being negative and cut myself. Fuck OFF. I know it and I hate myself for it. I wish I could change it but I just go full circle.
• My aunt, the one I actually really like, was talking about things going wrong and it sounded like me, things that said to her that it was ok to hate life and god and be depressed about like: Failing uni/college before graduating (I sort of did), a tough breakup (did that too), being generally depressed (did that too), losing friends . Yes I seem to do a lot of things all in the space of a month. 

I have realised that living this life is kind of pointless, it won't get me anywhere but I am too weak and stubborn to change myself that much. I would have to change who I am and what I know just to be able to live a normal live without this pain and fear. Is it worth it? I don't know. They say I live in the past, but isn't the past what shapes us and shouldn't we use the knowledge of what we already know now so we can base decisions on that so we won't make the same mistake twice? 

I just want to be fine. Excuse me, I will wallow in my misery again and drink so I will fall asleep and won't wake up before tomorrow morning before I go to work and then zombified to go work and at the end of the day go to bed. I don't live, I just breathe and survive, but you are welcome to spice it up. If you only were close, but you aren't.