To Cope or not to Cope

Sometimes I remember the times that I did not have to cope with anything, life was just life and was taken day by day, nothing was yet important enough to reconsider the future. Now everything is done so that the future will hold something better, but will it. How does coping work, how do we deal with the things that happen in our lives? Ever since I was younger I didn't know how to properly cope with my own feelings, leading to me eventually trying to kill myself as a teenager. This sound all so stereotypical emo, but I was never one of those people who went "look at me, I am so sad." I just didn't believe that the future was holding anything for me.

Now I don't see a future at all, and the only want to partially deal with my feeling is to express them bluntly to people. I do not want any sympathy I just want to get it out of my system and this sound all very emo. IT is worse when I go "I am so sad." But it will make sense to people who feel the same overwhelming sadness, there is no way to ignore it, it is all you are and it feels like the sadness is all you will ever be.

This Thursday all hell broke lose when I could no longer deal with anything anymore. Somehow I had gotten myself so stressed that I panicked while taking a re-sit, for the first half hour or so, I didn't remember a single thing, it got better when I answered a few easy ones but I will still have flunked it. When I got home I wanted to drink away the pain I felt from failing, so I went to the store, bought cheap wine and fags and went home to lock myself up in my bedroom to drink and watch a film to ignore my feelings. This didn't go so well in the end. After an hour or so and 3/4 of a bottle of wine I started hyperventilating and going into an attack. I could no longer control my muscles and the sadness I was feeling was so overwhelming, so breathtakingly painful that for that moment all there was, was this darkness that was growing inside me ready to make me burst at the seams. It lasted for an hour or perhaps longer, I hit my head against the wall to make it stop, I had a friend trying to calm me down, I cut myself, I smoked a few fags I tried calling a help line, but nothing worked. In the end I just let it go, got my breathing under control, took a bath and went to bed.

That is what I will do now, go to bed.