Those who read this, at least a potion of you, somehow have found a way to love me. How conditional is this love I wonder, I have pulled so much shit in the last four years, yet people cling to the idea, like clingfoil to fingers, that I am in fact a nice person and I, unlike Camiel have some sort of heart that beats inside my chest. Despite everything, my heart will not be found inside my chest, it would be in a box where I left after people trampled over it, where I stabbed it, loathed it, burnt it, untill there was nothing left so I would not have to feel. Sometimes, yes sometimes, I let go of the conformist conventions that even rule in chat that we have to be nice to each other, that we cannot yell in each others faces. Right now, that is the only fucking thing I would like to do, yell in people's faces.
Perhaps what I just said was all a lie, maybe I am not heartless, but I know that my heart has been stepped on and the fired did not leave it unharmed. I am a bitch and I know it, but I am also someone who cares deeply about the welfare of others and I would give my life to save most of you, yes there are exceptions and those exceptions probably don't read my blog, because likewise they do not really care about me. I am fine with this silent understanding. But lately I have been really on edge, everything just triggers me into a foul mood and instead of shrugging it off, or make a sarcastic comment, I will full on attack in a flury or annoyance. This, is not me, it is not who I usually am and this is the part of my that I wish I could cut out, the part of me that I tried to cut out for so many years. This is the part of me that comes after I bottle up my feelings, because sadness is a sleeping pill, angers on the other hand is more like taking ritalin when you don't need it and when you no longer can bottle up anger and annoying it comes back to people in threefold.
This is an unofficial apology, for those who I have hurt. This would actually be more aimed at Camiel, whom I yell at, who I offend, who I deride, of whom I make jokes at his expense. I don't know if it hurts him, if I belittle him, if he actually cares about what I say about him. It is not that I don't care, but sometimes it is so easy to makes jokes and sometimes I mean it. In the end I will come back to him and trust in him my problems, hoping that he still cares, because I still do, even though it doesn't seem like it.
In the end I have made myself an unwelcome guest in the house of the host. Even though I would laugh at EA for losing her temper and yelling "Get Out of My House" at her concert, this is exactly what has happened now. I misbehaved myself towards the host and have made a dick out of myself. Conclusion is that, don't invite yourself to a party where the host does not like you and do not persist on coming back. After all the strap-ons and vibrators we discussed, I made a dick out of myself and got kicked out. Fair enough for what I said and did, but don't pretend you are innocent either. Nobody likes it when you keep dangling your dick size and oh so wonderful (sex) life in front of others.
Oh, by the way, this is my house, don't like what I say? Get the Fuck Out!
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