I don't know why I am writing this in the first place, but I guess, as this blog is about me I can write whatever I want without being ashamed of it, without, hopefully, anyone judging it. Why you read this crap still baffles me, how interesting can this be. I completely lost track of what I wanted to talk about because Chat was clearly more important. I guess what I was going to say was on the lines of my emotions and Chat, because those are basically linked together.
To say a few things about the general state of my life. No, I do not have friends outside chat, somehow I don't manage to make friends, I know people, but I am never included in their plans, so I just keep finding myself in the middle of nothing. It is the awkward place where they ask you whether you are going to the same party, but when you are there they only talk to others.
Chat on the other hand is the most awkward and bizarre place life can happen in. If it was real we would be hanging like monkeys from the walls and ceiling, fucking each other every time we get drunk, or are sober. I try to be positive, but my human nature and the god awful state of my mind just throws me into black holes whenever it feels like it and I end up yelling at people and condeming my life over and over. I wish I was not this fucking person, I hate myself, I hate who I am, but chat is the only place I can express my feelings while people listen. It is great to have a blog, but it feels like I am talking to myself. My daily contact is usually asking my sister what she wants for dinner and chat, nothing else. Because classmates treat me like an awkward human being, people seem to clique together and I don't fit anywhere. I am not from Rotterdam, I am not a man either, I do not watch Trueblood or any other tv series besides Sherlock or Criminal Minds and I do not listen to mainstream pop music or softrock.
I wish I was somebody else, somewhere else. I wish I wasn't a chickenshit, I want to be a pirate, I want to be free. I hate the boundaries of life. If I could I would take Acid or anything to make me feel, less human and more of nothing.
In the end I have to deal with my issues myself, as shitty as they are, as shitty as I feel. Life is just an endless string of battles that you have to win, things to overcome, fear to overcome. I am sick of it, completely sick of it. I don't want to go on every day, waking up with the thought that I have to deal with all sorts of things, get up only to realise that I have to carry around this ugly body, that I have to, ugh, undress it and put clothes on. That I have to deal with talking to people, looking happy, trying to be happy, deal with college things, deal with all kind of forms and governmental things. I really, really, really don't want to deal with anything anymore.
Lame excuses are lame, going back to the real world now and deal with sleeping.
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