selfhatred

Yes, again, I am repeating myself again because I am pretty sure I have talked about this aspect of my left before. This time I am going into the consequences. Many have said that with a little confidence I will feel better about myself, about my body, but that is easier said then done, especially if you feel really confronted with your our body.

Recently I started wondering about my lack of hygiene, why I do not take showers more regularly, or why I don't brush my teeth more regularly, shave, pluck and clean my face more regularly. There is not a simple answer to that, not is it that easy to admit that I personal hygiene is poor. For example I can go without washing/showering/bathing for a week, holding a record of not doing that for almost 3 or 5 weeks. This behaviour partly rests in the bouts of depression that my life goes through, those are the times that I only get dressed when something important, as going to classes, comes up, and then I will only get dressed because the rest is just so hard to do at times.

This attitude 'of so hard to do' is something I have to live through every time I take a shower. When I have to look at my body, naked, I just wish it wasn't there, that I wasn't so goddamn fat and ugly. This is what I have to fight every single time I take a shower, when I look in the mirror. On days where I am already battling with my self-image, my self-worth, sadness, I rather not see myself naked or my face in the mirror. While getting dressed I at least can hide my face in the clothes I am putting on, but taking a shower or washing my face takes a lot more effort of my mind to ignore how much I hate how I look.