Body Dismorphia

I drive people crazy with my out cries of 'ugly is me', I have never ever done this to fish for compliments. It is not a statement that needs answering or correcting. It is my expression of my feelings, it is just that I feel so incredibly ugly most of the time. It is something that has recently started controlling my life, to the point that I sometimes wish to just mangle my own face so that it at least looks at ugly as I feel so that people no longer try to change my mind and tell me that I in fact pretty.

I do not feel pretty, I hardly feel pretty at any time. It is a battle I fight with myself every day, to not crawl back into bed because my reflection is just something hideous that I do not want to see. Most of all, the reflection I see is someone I would never want to be. I feel like one of those Burger King ads in which the advertised burger looks a lot better than the actual thing. I feel like the advertisement is what people see, but it is not what I feel I am.

When I am with some people I feel a lot less self-aware of how I look, sometimes I do a lot and just going out for bread is me trying to hide my face as much as possible. I do not mind not wearing make up, but if my hair is messed up I will have a bad hair day, I feel so concious of my hair, of my breasts, of the fat I have, of the scars on my arms, the hair on my body, my body odour. Sometimes it just gets too much and when I am sitting bend over like this and I feel the rolls of fat touch and I can feel my elbows rubbing against the fat sides of my waist I feel incredibly fat and ugly and all I want to do is die.

Today I watched thinspo on youtube, I wanted to make myself feel fat, I wanted to make myself anorexic. I no longer want to eat, I have been semi-starving myself since I was 13 and in the end it all seems to worthless. Starving is probably the worst thing to do to your body, but it feels like it is the only option and every year I have bouts of not eating of barely eating and life just got me fatter and uglier than ever. If I would ever go live on my own I would starve myself and live on water until I would disappear and nobody would see me anymore.