Product of Fear

If we could only divide feelings into fear and love, but we shouldn't forget the whole spectrum of human emotions, should we.

Fear is the one thing that controls my life, it sounds dramatic and if I am blaming one thing for what happens to me or what I think. However, to me, it's not. If I wouldn't have any sort of anxiety my life would look so much better but everything I do is controlled by fear or the lack of it. Why do I have this blog? Because I have a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings to people face to face because I am so illogically scared or something I don't understand why I should be scared of. Most of the time my anxiety has no logical ground whatsoever, it is there and it feels like somebody is pressing down hard on my chest trying to press out all of the air while my heart is pumping in my throat and my mind can't make itself up. That is without even thinking about the thing that I am supposedly scared of. The feeling anxiety and panic comes before the thought of why I should fear something. Sometimes, which doesn't happen to often, the feelings of panic and anxiety arive even before I even know what's there to be scared of. Frankly, I still get shakes when I go to my violinlesson even though I go there every week. Going to school was a mini-hell, trying not to panic and stay at home sometimes while thinking about it, it just can't have been that bad going to school every day. I absolutely hate that my own feelings are so irrational while I can think of many reasons why I shouldn't be scared at all, why it should be a time to enjoy everything, why I should just do things without worrying. If We could divide human emotions into love and fear my feelings would be all over the blackboard without making sense. I would love to push that button to make this thing in my head go away. Because not only do I have mild panic attacks and general anxiety all those fears trigger depression which can even turn into me having suicidal thoughts. For now I am bubbly again after being down for a few days, you would think I have Bi-polar disorcer. Lets not self-diagnose because I am sure I don't have it because all I know is that my depression and my more mania stages (which I do have) are triggered by things from the outside.

Why do I type all this? Because I wanted to for a few days after suffering from another anxiety attack that triggered a bit of depression (I call it that because I was feeling down which was very unjustified seeing what I was doing) and even self-harm (WHY??). I wake up every night at 1.30am, I still have no clue why but this is the first night that I was able to sleep after waking up. So I am feeling better and a bit like the world would stop spinning if I died, strange isn't it. Perhaps my brains are just fried, but I sure need to make sure I don't do more stupid things because I don't need them. I will try to fight it until perhaps one day I fall into a major depression and kill myself or the other way around, my anxiety disappears and I suddenly can live my life to the fullest. Lets just see and wait.