Manic-Depression 2

You must think, that chick has so much to say and says nothing. Well this is the place to get it off my chest in ordered sentences and without anyone talking through my story. No I am not that egocentric and no I don't hate you though I might have stated that at some point. I am just worrying about myself but do not find the right pace to say so anywhere but here.

I already made an entry about my feelings of depression and mania before but this time I have more to add. A few days ago, as you might have read, I didn't felt so well and was self-harming again for the first time in months. Now I feel like nothing goes fast enough and I want to do a million things at the same time. I want to watch a dozen films and play games and more games, I want to play violin I want to read. My head is just one big buzz of clutter, ideas and actions. I can't find the right pace and nothing seems to be interesting or adventurous enough. I am quite worried now because this is not how a normal person would think, I hope not because it is driving me crazy. A proper bi-polar person might not agree and say that their Manic episodes are one of the best times of their lives because they don't regret anything. I am fully aware of the awkwardness of myself. I was all giddy during violin practise and couldn't stop thinking and saying things that made me feel stupid. This is not the person I normally am. I am just wondering if something is really wrong with me or that I am just imagining things. Looking back at my lest depressive "episodes" I notice that after every depression I have these feeling of things not going fast enough and thoughts that don't stop and being way too active and sleeping too little just to do things. After that I have a period of stability or a bit of normal depression (depending on what is going on in my life) and it seems to turn into either a depression or a somewhat more upbeat happy period that fades into a bit of mania or depression again with a mania after than and then again a period of stability. I wish I could explain it better but my mind wants to think more than I want to say, it is treebrancing in all kind of different directions or at least, I feel that it wants to think about completely random things at the same time.

I am still confused how it works, how I am able to feel down one moment and a few days later am running around smiling, laughing agreeing to a lot of things while there is more to worry about than to laugh about. I won't say I am bi-polar because that would be ridiculous and self diagnosing is really bad. I just wish I understood my feelings a little bit better than I am doing now.