Here is a little update from the realms of darkness, the caverns of sorrow, the pit of doom, the crack of despair and worst of all my BEDROOM! I am getting slightly paranoid and my anxiety is playing up like mad. I find myself afraid of half the communication I have to do, the only people I talk to are those close to me, living in his house, breathing the same are, those who I have seen for the last 19 years and still counting. There is this depressive veil lying over me, suppressing positive feelings. When my manager/boos called I freaked out, I heard my phone too late, and he left a message asking me to call back. I got so angsty so paranoid that it would be something terrible to do that the next day I left my phone at home. Fearing every sound, being skittish of everything and feeling the need to hide in my bedroom. In the end he called me saturday morning to ask if I could work that day to fill in for those who are sick. Panic and stupid feelings all for nothing. Then I read the letter I got from work, it says that if I do not deliver some sort of Personality Check I will get fired. Yes I had purposedly forgotten it because it means that I have to go to the townhall and talk to someone and get letter filled in, signed and send out to the government. It scares me enough to not do it. Same goes for giving my contract back, signed. I just wish I could do it like that, but just thinking about it makes my heart skip a beat and the feeling of running away and hiding fill uo my mind.
This is not the only problem, I haven't been able to write in weeks. I posted my last poem here, it's been too long to be healthy. I do not write to pour out my little pathetic heart just so you can feel sympathy for me. I don't need sympathy, I don't need anything. I just want to be able to create something that says what I feel into a different perspective, placing it in a different light, place, time or mind. I need a seen mind to make a living, to live a life, because right now, this state of mind, this depression and anxiety is ruining my life, it's all over the place, in my body, it's more than me, more than I can fight. It's just too hard to fight back all the time. I don't want to fight myself all the time, I should be old enough to be a full person, to at least know where I want to head. I only know how to survive half of what I go through, half of what I am, the other half just wants to de lifeless and buried and deep underground so it will no longer have to feel.
On a better note, I currently weigh 70kg, that is at least some improvement. My tummy seems to be slimmer, somehow, but probably is just a wish.
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