(Not) Beautiful

This could become a very whiny, teenage seeking attention type of entry, it isn't. I am not calling out to you to give me compliments at the end of this. Nor do I think that any of you are to blame, should be blamed or can help. Don't sneer at me either for not being able to take any compliments, I love you all and I wish that my mind was in a better place that way I would be able to take compliments as they are.

This is one of these phases, days, whatever, that I do not feel pretty or anything desirable at all. The thought that keeps repeating inside in my head is: "How could anyone find me pretty enough to kiss me, why wouldn't they have ran away in revolt." Every time I look at myself and all I can see is a disgusting lump of flesh that has some kind of grey matter stuck in it. There are so many things wrongs with my body that it feels that I better not exist at all, because why would anyone want to be friends with me.

Some times I just want to go up to friends and ask them how they would get it into their minds that I am pretty. I just don't understand their point of view. Right now I would love to cut myself up into small pieces so I would be unrecognisable, so I wouldn't have to look at my (too fat) body.

It is hard enough to not be self confident, not smart enough, not talented enough, not social enough, it is worse when the organism your soul and mind are in does not resemble the organism you want to be. In my mind I wouldn't be this overweight, wouldn't have brown eyes, thin hair, small hands, small feet or hair on all those unwanted places. You could blame models, years of bullying or anything else, but in the end it is just me who has a deep rooted hatred against my own body. It is like a jealousy, a phobia at some points. Like my weight, it is only only my weight that I can't stand, but it is also anyone else's weight that worse than mine. My heart just wishes that everyone would be skinny bitches, thin legs, arms and flat tummies all around.

It is more than a unhealthy way of thinking, it keeps me from being a positive person. I used to love my arms and my wrists but I realised recently how fat they are and that my wrists are just as ugly as the rest of my body. Everything about me just bothers myself, everything, I mean everything. I can't think of anything good about myself, I am even a lousy friend, lover, student, daughter. The worst is that part of my brain is concious of this, which just makes me want to cut out my brain and be a normal person instead of being myself, but alas, you can't. Would killing myself be the only option? It won't be, it is silly to kill yourself because your mind is just bollocks, but it is my mind that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and I am not so sure if I really want to.