Life

So, a new blog entry of my dear and cuddly friend Alicious inspired me to write a little bit about growing up and getting older. I find it too short a period to talk about just a year, even though a lot has changed, but it always does.

Often enough I wonder how I have grown up from the girl I was above (2005) to what I am now. Then I was concerned with a Harry Potter RPG, how to survive school and was caught up in puberty.  You know how those things go, the general "I am ugly" things most teenage girls think about. Also, I was in my "I am oh so goth" face, even though I saw the farce I was by just looking at the older years, who dressed in long black dresses and long black coats.

You know what, I just got completely derailed in my mind and started staring at the screen like a complete moron. After fighting all these years just for the right to exist, to make myself feel I deserve to be a living, breathing being, I still don't feel any more human than I did back then. With back then I meant the year that picture was taking. I was struggling with self-harm and lost all self worth and self esteem and tried to kill myself at the end of that school year. I haven't really grown since then, my problems are less trivial but my mind is still the same and my reactions are still that unpredictable. feeling completely detached from human life, as if my soul, my mind, me, is able to float out of this body and turn into a daughter of the wind, disappear into nothing.

Is there any logical reason to be feeling like this? I got a river full of opportunities flowing at my feet, yet I don't grasp them, I am not drinking the water. It is like flying off to a foreign country of which you don't speak the language, you don't have any money or identity. Lost in translation and there is no flight to bring you back home, so you just stay in your room and wait for time to pass. It is a miserable way to live, it isn't even living. I have been dead for ages, so I might as well kill my body.