The Scared Aviator

I got asked if I wanted to stay in Spain with a friend of mine. I am not particularly in favour of the weather there, I am somebody who hides in her room as soon as the sun begins to shine. Working outside made me tan like a fucking Negro! So I said: "SCREW YOU" and decided to take the opportunity to go on holiday without anybody I have known for more than 16 years. The plans were set and all I had to do was .... JUMP.

Today I jumped, I jumped right into the big black darkness and I cried. I booked the flights from cheaptickets, thinking about it makes my heart jump already. When I was done I went back to my room and started trembling, I became dizzy and felt like I was no longer part of my own body, I slowly move up into the air as a hot air balloon takes off and soars to an unknown destination. I was so scared, so anxious that my body just wanted to check out. I don't know I am going to cope with all this. I rather just cancel my flights and go back to bed to cry.

Why is it that I am always so scared, for me feeling anxious is so much life controlling as breathing, I don't know how I can live without it and I don't know how it is to not feel like I do now. I know that the fear I feel is not the normal kind, or at least shouldn't occur as much as it does or shouldn't have such an affect on my life.

I am trying to get better, to make things work, to overcome the fear eating me from the inside. It doesn't make it easier that after I am done with whatever makes me so scared, makes me tremble, makes me cry, I cry some more because I just can't take it all.

There is still so much that I have to do, yet all I can see and feel ahead of me is angst, veiling anxiousness, slowly falling over me, getting under my skin and changing my insides to black. All I have to breath and I'll choke in the fear surrounding me. If I could only just hit my head, move on, give people a call, get things settled, life would be so much easier and so much more enjoyable. Why am I not that person?

How do I feel right now? I feel like the world is about the end any moment, as soon as I lay my head down, my mind starts to wonder what the next big hurdle will be and I may end up silently crying, wishing tomorrow would never come. I would love to get a real life hug, somebody just holding, telling me it is all gonna be alright. But there is nobody here, for now I am just alone, on my own, watching the summer pass through my bedroom window, like the Lady of Shalott saw her life pass by with the aid of a mirror. I know too that when I join the outside world I might die, I might find myself such a state of depression or panic that I might end it all because some day it might all be too much, because you can't fight on forever when you know that you will never win.

There will definitely be more blogs about this, as I am flying to Spain the 17th of August and get back the 26th, spending my 20th birthday in the hopefully sunny and hot shores of South Spain. Ola!