When I was 14 and got introduced to sexual predators and emotionally abusive relationships I found only one way to cope with everything I was feeling, I took a knife to my wrist a made some superficial scratches. It was a relief to actually feel the pain on my skin instead of the restless and burning pain inside me. Since then I needed my fix, because that is what it is, every time the pain inside gets too much, restless or confusing. I started with a small knife on my wrists but as time progresses problems and situations change too, so did my self-harm. I have seen most of it: superficial cuts, deep cuts, scratching, burning, bruising, biting and overdosing. If you haven't done it yourself it might be hard to understand what it is. There is so much that changes your view of perspective when you deliberately hurt yourself, everything you knew about pain and how it hurts will change into something positive as the pain is the same thing that relieves all the other things. You get addicted to self-medication, to drugs, to pain, to endorphins.
To me, making myself feel pain, is so much that I can hardly put it into words. It started of as a necessary way for me to cope with life, the feelings of worthlessness and failures. Since I could't and still can't express my emotions well, I had to find something to relief the presure in me, like lifting up the lid of the pan of boiling water to get the water level down. For a moment I can feel alive because I feel pain and I can see myself bleeding. The storm inside me calms down and the screaming wind in my head turns into silence, the silence I can long for for days since my brain never seems to shut up. It is also about having control over something, doing something just for yourself, knowing why and what you are doing. There is also the aesthetic satisfaction of the blood dripping down and the scars it leaves. You first come to hate the wounds, scars and blood it leaves behind, though you will come to love them, perhaps even more than your own life as the scars are the signs that you are still living and not the body your soul resides in. I love my scars, I am proud of them because it tells me that I am still alive, that I have gone through with it for all these years, though at times and especially now I regret not dying when I tried so hard not to love because living would hurt too much.
Yesterday I scared myself out of my wits, I had not been feeling very well for a while, I never do, or hardly do and the longer I keep myself awake the more I see how my future is not going to happen. That is why I usually end up going to bed early to avoid being sad, depressed and angry at myself because I don't need all that when I already know the things I blame myself for. It's is like a vicious circle, you stay up because you do not want to go to bed because then you are really all alone but staying up with make the matters worse, you have to choose between two evils and that will only make you feel more sadder.
Last night I had to make that decision again and choose to stay awake for a little longer because going to be all aggravated and angry is never a good thing. In the end it might have been better to just go to bed and try to sleep. Since I knew I was on the edge seeing I had scratch my arm till it bled a little last Friday, knowing that there is pain that feels good and that is makes me calm, collected and serene. That is why it is an addiction, I don't have to be incredibly sad to hurt myself, all it takes is the feeling that I need to silence the storm within me, whatever kind of storm that is depends. Sometimes, even when I am happy and perhaps close to manic I hurt myself too because it does not feel right, it is too much and too fast at the same time. Making the choice to stay awake I condemned myself to awake more of the storm until it was a hurricane and all that was said was making me more impatient, lower and upset then I was before, grabbing my head to make it stop, but that never works. So I took matters in my own hand, or my straight razors, and drag them along my skin. I touched places with the cold and painful metal that I had never done before and adorned my upper arms and tummy with small cuts. Depending on what kind of edge I am, the wounds and cuts will look different, intense pain will make me cut deep and precise to hurt as much as possible with little effort, while the more impatient storm in my heads needs to be cleared up with lots of small cuts that start from superficial to deeper to higher the pain limit. I will, for once, clear up the difference with pictures. WARNING: very triggering pictures and not for the faint hearty and those who worry too much.
This is my left upper thigh, the cuts are about 15cm each and are from May 2009 (the deeper and red ones) and somewhere around November if I recall correctly
Wrist are also the place I used to cut most often until I decided that it should look like that I didn't cut anymore to protect others and to wear shirts.
(This picture was meant to show the blue hairdye on my arm but the white stripes near my wrist are the scars, this is by the way the arm I cut just a few times because I am right handed and cutting with left is difficult)
Last night I attacked my own upper arm for the second time in my life. I wanted to record it to make sure I remembered how awful a person I am.
I used to battle against hurting myself, every day used to be a struggle not to cut myself and I kept going for 6 months without hurting myself and then the world collapsed and I found myself crying again and I needed something to pick me up so I could go on, at least for a while, to get through the day or night and I cut myself after 6 months of being clean. I have given up fighting he urge, though before I cut myself I always ask if I have reason enough to do it, which helps reducing it, because when I do not feel that strong urge I will not cut, only when I really need to. It is a small change from how it used to be, but I am far from recovered and not before too long I will prove that this is not a teenage phase, though I think I already did since I have been going on for almost 4 or 5 years. It honestly scares me, because when you realise how long you have been doing it you realise that it IS an addicted and a difficult one at that.
Now there might be people who are shocked, angry and concerned. There might also be people who will want to kill me because I am not a hardcore cutter, to them I have to say, it does not matter how deep you cut, or how often you cut, cutting is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. If you cut yourself, please find help for the problems you are facing because remember, Self-Harm is not the problem, it's the symptom of other problems. Stay Strong dears and recover.
2 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I hope you can find a way not to have to do this to yourself. I know how hard it is to quit. I had a kind of relapse a week ago. I won't tell you how, because I am not happy with the person who taught me the trick in the first place.
Yeah. I know your addiction. I was able to "start to stop" after like four years, but I had a much bigger support net than you. I wish I could do something.
Thank you for sharing this. Self harm is one of the more difficult topics to discuss, especially since, like you said, people tend not to understand, and therefore react poorly. You stay strong as well, and keep fighting your inner demons. Don't ever give up. One day, you will win. *hugs*
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