When it Fails

I don't know what I am planning to say here, I will just write it down as it comes to me, I just need to vent for a while. First of all, things are not going that well, yes call it heavy but at least I speak the truth. Even when I say nothing is wrong I mean it, because nothing is "wrong", anyone in my position would be happy, would take the chances given but I don't. I can't say that there is anything wrong, because there isn't anything wrong and everything is fixable, just not when you are me and you make a Mount Everest(8848m) of a Paasberg(80m). At the end of everyday, even when I wake up I wonder, why I am still living in this world and I get no answer, nor do I have an answer why I am not. I am living in perpetual limbo, between life and death and I can't make a choice. This is worse than being depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed and brush your teeth, because you can see the good things, though you can not reach them. It feels like seeing the sun shining down upon you, yet there is no warmth. I wish I could kill myself, just to get rid of this mess in my head, but I don't. Still, I hurt myself almost every night in so many ways and I don't know why because I don't need to and as I said before, my life is perfectly fine. I don't need a pick me up to get on with life, but I use it like no other. All I want is some piece in my head, without the millions of other me's shouting to me what I should do or think or say. Maybe I am just overreacting but I sure as hell no that I want my piece and quite sometimes without sleeping, because that is what I do, I go to bed to shut myself up.

Things that make me hate the world:

1. The Dutch cabinet's collapsed.
   
   You think, it is not a big deal, we live on and we have new elections. I don't care about the elections, it just make me realise how fucked up and stupid our politics are. In the end it is all about who has the power and the ability to abuse it without others calling you out for that. Politics is a sick game and they all play to win. The politicians with the biggest mouths get the most votes and those with genuine plans for our country get voted out because they are not screaming that we have to get rid of Moroccans or Turks. I am contemplating emigrating to whatever country if the PPV becomes the biggest party or Balkende becomes Prime-Minister for the 5th time. Please, people, start using your brains. I want a revolution. I really do. I want to wake up the world and tell them to start to think for themselves and to realise a few crucial things about this planet. We do not own it, we are just inhabitants just like the animals and we shouldn't have more rights than them and we should cherish Mother Earth.
   
2. Sven Kramer being disqualified while skating the fastest rounds.
   
   This is just me being silly, it does not make me hate the world, it just makes me sad. I don't know why, I am not that much a sport kind of person. It might just be that I feel so incredible sorry for Sven, training for this moment for four years and because of his coach making a mistake he misses his Gold medal. I don't know what to think about it, it has nothing to do with me, nor does it effect me, yet I still feel sad thinking about it, maybe because it's just painful to watch. Knowing that Sven gave his all in the end was the best and still not winning the medal he deserves because of a stupid mistake
   
3. The amount of ignorant and immature teenagers on my favourite forum.
   
    It is no secrets that the youngsters have discovered the join of internet and with that the forums that bands and other famous groups or people have created. I am a proud inmate of the Asylum Forum and have been so for the last +3 years. It started off as a fairly mature group of teenagers and adults discussion music, art and life with each other. I can't, of course, expect that it would still be the same after three years, three years of extensive promoting and touring Emilie Autumn did. Though, at this point in time, I do not visit the actual forum as much, well I do visit it but I hardly reply. The most active group of members are teenagers, I once was one too but I was not ignorant, rude or plain stupid. They seem to swarm over the forums asking the most stupid questions. I am sorry if I offend anyone, well no, I am not. There have been a dozen threads about people literally crying over the fact that they can't get their hands on the Asylum book. There have been muffins coming into chat saying how their best friend is either contemplating suicide or committing it and yet, they go on the internet asking for help, why can't they think straight and call 911 or something instead of going on the internet looking for a solution. Life does not solve itself in a place made up of codes and ones and zeros. I think sometimes common sense is too far to look for and thinking that everyone is picking on you the norm. All I know is that the mass inmates of the forums are not likely to have a message read by me. Though there is a fair amount of people I would risk my life for, they are the witty, smart, honest, caring, loving and fun to hang around with kind of people who, for most of the time, just like me, avoid the forum these days.
   
4. Parents
   
   When isn't there a time that I do not hate my parents. It seems that my parents are butchering me personality more and more. They sound and act like the loving kind of parents anyone wants, they are. They have been together for the longest time and made one insane brother, me, and a gorgeous sister who might be the dream of every man. Yesterday we had a dinner conversation, like every evening when my parents are home. In the end, like half of the time, it ended up being about me. I just stated that while my sister is texting and calling her friends quite often I do not do the same, because, I do not have friends with whom I need texting or calling. (Perhaps there are volunteers ;] ) This statement I made started a conversation how, when I say something, it will often sound rude and harsh and that I am unaware of that. They do not know that with friends, especially new ones I am considerate, I only open my mouth when I think I am adding something to the conversation. It is thought through and is nothing more than a statement, one that doesn't offend anyone. Yet there are others who are merely offended by the way I look, or even the little things I like or talk about. I never knew that one could hate me for knowing the Tudors and Elisabeth I and not being ashamed to admitting it while helping others with their homework about that same subject. As they say it, I should take it as a personal lacking of personality or anything when I get called a Satan Worshipper because in history the subject Withcraft and the burning of witches came up. I never ever spoke to those girls because they already looked at me in disgust. I might be a little too honest, but I don't see that as a flaw, I see that as a stronger point because I hate it how nobody says what they mean. I don't care if anyone tells me they don't like me in my face, just don't do it behind my back and pretend you are my friend. I don't do that shit. It's also a little my fault that I got no friends of College or High School left, I just stop talking to them, why?? Because I am sure that they will have forgotten about me soon enough and in the end don't really care, they have better friends to hang out with. They don't need me, I am just a side friend, someone who's there when all your other friends are unavailable. 

Today I will be going to the restaurant of Jamie Oliver, 15, in Amsterdam. My family is currently getting themselves ready to go to the city and see museums. I will join them in the evening for dinner. I don't know why I agreed on that. All I want is to be drugged out and go to bed or play video games till I can't. I just want to act dumb and not care. That or I need something to activate my brains so the million mes can help me figure something out, it will not shut them up, but at least I will have them do something useful instead of screaming things I don't understand. they only work when they all want the same and they never do. Now I just want to say something that worried me, I don't know why. Yesterday when I got into bed and thought that perhaps instead of hurting myself in anyway I should try to write it off, like a good little girl. I took up my little book and a pen and found an empty page to write in. I took the pen to the paper ...... nothing ..... I couldn't think, I couldn't write. All the words ended up being scribbles, just scribbles on the paper. My hand felt as if it is was not my hand and it just wanted to be dead, lying next to my leg. I wished that I could just write something to clear my head, but it was blocked, there was no outlet, there was nothing to pour out. It was just me and my body. Me and my body in the darkness and all I wanted was to let the thing out that was inside me. I did, but not with a pen, even the violently moving it around on the paper was not satisfactory enough to quiet my hunger for an outlet. Even the small red lines on the inside of my thigh were not enough, only when I started shaking and my hand felt numb and my eyelids wanted to close I gave up. There is only so little you can do, there is only so little I can do. There is so much a thousand scratches can't fix. I don't need it, 

I am not depressed, I am living a happy life, with happy parents in a happy house with a fine job with great friends and a good pair of brains and I am not incredibly ugly and my personality is agreeable. 

still, I have no desire to live. Tell me this shit is heavy, for me it's not. For me it's my every day life, for me it's all I have to bear even when I am too tired too, when I don't see that place where I can rest and I still fight on. This time it does not make me sad, it makes me angry it makes me want to kill that thing that lives inside my brains and does this to me. this blog is the only sane moment I have, because this is the place where I face my own reality, where I can write it down, black on white (for you pink on striped) and know that this is my reality, mine.

Don't feel sorry, you did not make me what I am today. You, reading this, are the only ones that have seen the result of what have come before. I and I feel sorry for you to see this, though I know that the ones that have caused it shall never know what they did. My every day is a rainy day, if I look out of the window it's gray and the H2O is coming down from the sky and I know it's good. Because I have a job and a home and parents and sisters and they love me regardless. 

This is me, you are there. Don't feel sad when you have read this, smile and think I am still alive, still breathing and still fighting. I can't have people feeling sorry or sad for me, I got enough sadness for myself and I share it with the world, just to make the weight a little lighter, I hope I am not making yours too heavy.