You close you eyes and soar off to a place where everything can happen, where the walls with move and your name is written in the papers. It's every writer's fountain of inspiration and a girl's secret wish. So why do I have none? I can close my eyes as long as I want and all I see is darkness, deep, suffocating blackness coating the world. there is a believe that everyone dreams but not everyone remembers them, but if you can't remember your dreams how would you know that you actually dream. Dreaming is a state of unconscious conciousness, when I go to bed I just lie there, thinking to myself until the light in my head shuts off, the only time I dream it's morning and I should have been out of bed for a long time and they most likely turn into nightmares.
Even the real dreams are nothing, I have no hope, no future inside, no goal and no yellow brick road to follow to get myself home. I wish I was perfectly fine with this, but I am not. There are many people, perhaps you, that has no real goal, no dream, no hope and still live on fine, doing whatever you are doing. I don't dare to hope, to dream or even to wish. Everything I ever think about that would take my life somewhere gets shattered after a while and my dreams become nightmare as soon as I try to touch. Is it so hard to make something happen?
I can't remember what I wanted to be when I was young, perhaps a pyrate, but in this world it is not possible, in my own, my ship has sailed the Seven Seas and I am the captain of my crew, searching for the lost treasures in exotic worlds. From a very young age I learned not to dream, to hope, to wish. Perhaps there is something wrong with me, I might be too sensitive, I might just simply want too much, too fast, too often. I have always hated birthdays and St Nicholas because I never got what I wanted, I was always so disappointed on my birthday, now I just don't celebrate it anymore, why would I. What is the use in celebrating that another day has passed and that I have been dying for the last 19 years. We are born in our graves, but we should live every day like it is our last.
There lies the problem, how am I supposed to do that, I can't even ask a day off from work without panicking. I wish somebody could help me dream, without dream I will never be strong. Without any hope I won't be able to fight, because now I am just surviving, I don't even know why I am surviving, because I secretly hope, while I do not dare to say it out loud (I am almost crying now), that there will be something better. How can I hope on something when I do not dare to make a decision. I have no path in front of me, just endless desert, wasteland. Maybe I should place the blame solely on myself and I should change. But what will be left of me? If there was only a way to burn a dream into my skull.
I am on the verge of crying now and thought of razors and blood shoot through my head, but I know that if I want to change I have to change. If people would only help me, hold my hand, for just a little longer until I can stand on my own legs. I don't think most people realise it, but I am so much depended on others because half the time I am so afraid when I am alone. I am just fine with others around and at those time I can handle the world, but here, in my bedroom, without anyone willing to be my pillar for the next 30km, I will remain alone. I wish that there was this Best Friend for me, that would be willing to share her life with me so I should share mine with hers. Right now, the thing that I want to do is getting a tattoo, or two, one saying something about hope and dreams and that I should never give up (the inner tears are welling up trying to crawl to my eyes to fall down in my hands) the other one a violin with two bows as a cross behind it so I will never forget the roots of classical violin music and to not be afraid to explorer the new styles.
So, just hold my hand for a little longer, until my strength comes back and my legs will be able to hold my weight, to hold the thoughts in my head because right now, although my legs are massive they are skinny and can't hold the rest of my body up. Perhaps all these time that I was dreaming of having a Eating Disorder, how mad and offending it might sound, I was just trying to make my body resemble the strength of my will and hopes. I will now speak out my one hope that makes me not kill myself, because I need that one to survive and if that one ever falls away I will be left as a vegetable, cold, lifeless and dead, suicide is then the only logical next step to kill the what is left of me, a body. I just hope that one day I will be beautiful, that I will be able to say that I am beautiful and strong and intelligent and worth a life of luck and love.
If interesting in comics, here is a comic about a boy and a girl who do not dream but see each other's life through each other's eyes.
http://dreamless.keenspot.com/
http://dreamless.keenspot.com/
2 comments:
I will always do my best to support you, and keep you standing. Maybe not in the way it used to be, but I will never stop caring. I still know you well enough to know where in the cycles of depression you are, and hope every time I see that you are better, and hoping that it will start lasting longer, and that the valleys won't be as deep, as it is for me now. I may not have the strength to carry all the weight as I tried to do, and failed to, but together with your other friends, who we both know are there for you, we can. I love you allrakäraste syster.
You see, this is what I mean by heavy topics. It's so filled with your depressed thoughts, it's kind of hard to comment and somehow say something useful. Nothing we ever say seems to work for you. :(
An example of this is that you are already beautiful. Both inside and outside! But you just don't seem to see that yourself. :(
But more about the being dreamless part, and I think I told you this before: just take it step by step. Figure out what you really want. I heard you say you want english university a lot of times. So if that's what you really want, figure out a way to get into a university, and then just DO it. I am pretty damn sure that if you really put your mind to a thing, you can make it happen!
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