Rest

What in the world is wrong with rest? For days I just wished for everything to stop, to end it all to just not exist. Now I am awake at 0.40am, haven't slept in 42 hours and still going strong and my mind won't shut up. It happens every time, every time I come for a low point I hit a very high one in which I will hardly sleep and feel all cheerful and happy and feel very inspirational. I mean if you see the last two entries, or three, and read the two poems I made, they might be depressing but when I am really depressed I can't write. That was the moment I was moving out of the low and into the high and I am still confused on how that happens. Why is there never a nice even place after a low where everything is normal. Instead of now when I thought up the rough lines of a book, thought up the name of my nameless but slightly old purple phone (Homophone), showed off my cleavage twice, did 3 boss fights while playing FFX (Final Fantasy X for those who don't play games) without a problem, played violin, granted myself sweet stuff, talked the ears of people's chatheads and got myself all prettied up for nothing in particular.

And I wonder, here sitting down at my computer, if this is just a normal state of mind. Is this how my life is supposed to be has my mind taken a step higher? I don't know, I have been low for so long only to be interrupted by the high I described and I don't know if these are normal. I am not looking for a diagnonsense, I am not looking for sympathy all I want to know is if this will ever change to normal or that just is normal and why it doesn't feel good. Am I here to watch how my life runs in vicious circles of depression and something else? Where are the friends that drag you to a therapist, a counsellor just to make sure you are alright and where are the parents that should support you. Is it the mother that flings her arms around you when you stand on the last step of the stairs asking a question while I, annoyed, push those arms away and walk past her? I am the ungrateful child who should learn some discipline and order in her life. Perhaps it is all in my head and I am the one making a fuzz out of it all. I just don't feel that my mental state is heading in a good direction as it is now. I might just be feeling this happy rush, it is not a carefree rush and it does not exclude the fact that there are so many things wrong in my life that need to be changed.

For now there are so many things that I want to have and I just have to restrict myself not to go on Bol.com to buy everything I want with the click of my mouse and a little help of my bank account that is filled with money but not enough to support what I want. Let's make a list.

• Inspiron 15 Laptop in red
• Xbox 360
• Yamaha or Zeta electric violin
• Pedals for the violin
• Socks, Stockings, Thights
• 4 new steel boned corsets
• Bustle Skirt
• Black Bloomers
• Nintendo DS R4 card
• Gazillions of books I will not read before I die
• A few wigs

I think that is about it. I like my luxury, thanksbai. I will just have to restrain myself before I do something incredibly stupid, I already almost bought the laptop from my own money, spending, roughly, €500 in one go, I know it's on my bank account but it is not meant for a laptop. I fucking hate myself, why am I making things so incredibly hard for myself and still the question occurs: "how much of this behaviour is my personality and how much is the mental state I am determining what I am thinking". I wish I knew. This what it for tonight I guess, thank you for tuning in on Gigichannel. See you next time!