I might not be the most subtle, grown up, responsible and smart girl out here on this planet, hence I might even belong to the lower classes of intelligence, I don't care. So when Monday was nearing and I had not gotten any response on the mail I had send to work to get a day off my body got into panic mode and all I could think about it how I would go on and if it would be sensible to kill myself. I was locked up in my own brain where all my nightmares had come true and I was scared, I did no longer know what to do and I did the only thing a girl locked up in her own head, fearing the world, could do. I reached for my trusty razor to get myself out of that place and to calm me down to get myself to a sensible level of thinking again. It took me almost 3 hours or non-stop pain to no longer fear every motion, to be able to breath and think coherent thoughts. Though perhaps I had gone to far, after a short while I decided that I couldn't care less, while I of course did, and would just text my team coach the next morning to get call in sick.
In all honesty, I think I did sleep at some point, not counting the fact that I went to be at 3am and my alarm woke me up at 6.30am. I got up and felt drained, all I wanted to do is die. Sometimes it's even my body telling me that everything is wrong, it's painful, it hurts so much. I can't breath, I can't think and all I feel is pain and all I want to do is sleep. Though I knew that I would ever have to go to work and feel so much worse and perhaps practice what I preach or go to the Emilie Autumn concert, since I couldn't do both. Slowly I started to pack my things, got dressed, did my make-up and left home around 11am, just to be out of town when I would have to start with work. What on earth was I thinking. I got on my train to Eindhoven and send a text telling I lost my voice and that I was sick.
The rest of the day was pain, though many will tell me that I smiled, I was just trying to make myself feel better. I know I got to the venue and all I wanted to do was die, disappear, be nothing and not be there, yet I stayed hoping that I could think away the pain. After a while Flo came, his face made me realise I had friends but it didn't make me feel all that better and a few times I asked for hugs. Slowly the group of people hiding under the small tent set up next to the doors got a little bigger and other forum members dripped in. I didn't care, all I wanted was sleep, to never wake up again, dreamless, careless, breathless sleep. When I finally got inside the venue to "enjoy" the VIP meeting with Emilie, there was just so much pain and so little I could bear and all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry, though I stoop up, brave, and did what everyone else did, get my book, say to Em that I loved her book and moved along. There was not more I could say, I did not make or buy her a present and I one of the least interesting persons you can find on a daily basis. When it was time to take a picture with Miss Autumn I couldn't smile anymore. The pain too deep and my smile turned into a cringe and I wanted to cry.
Because the VIP'ers got in as first and the gig wouldn't start yet we were all free to find a first row spot and so did I together with Flo. I guess the gig was quite impressive and Emilie's voice sounded quite good, just a shame she had to skip her heavier songs to protect her through since she was still recovering from a throat infection. I hate it how during the whole gig I just wanted to go home and die. At the point where they played The Art of Suicide I was ready to act on it and kill myself right this instance, I was ready to collapse and just sink to the floor and start crying. I wish there were real tears, but all there was was pain, pain on top of pain and I couldn't breath and it felt like someone was squeezing my heart until it was empty and I stood there waiting for the moment I would die and it wasn't there.
Copyright to Bella @ The Asylum official forum
The trip home?? I would have killed the two "muffin" I decided to sit with. They were arrogant and stupid and did know nothing about Emilie. No Aprella does ballet on stage but of course you haven't noticed and no, Veronica didn't used to be a man you morons! Don't think you can get whatever you want because it's in hand reach, life doesn't work like that and I tell you what, that tulle skirt you mother has made for you looks like shit, honestly, it's completely the wrong fabric, I wouldn't want to have such a star and painful fabric around my legs, ouch.
I woke up the next morning, so tired and feeling like the world was still on my shoulders. I got a call asking me for how long I would be sick so I told that I was feeling fine and I could another call telling me that everything I had done to get a day off was wrong. At work I overheard my co-workers about how they were trying to get a day off, the same way I did minus the texting in sick part. The pain was almost unbearable while I was working and all I could think about was a way to stop it all, to stop the aching, to stop the painful breathing. Still, I am here, breathing, a little less pain but it still hurts. I don't know for how long I will survive or how long I can take it and I battle the pain with more pain and I love it, I cherish it. When everything hurts and nothing is right and all I want to do is disappear in perpetual blackness I will indulge in my self-destructive way to defeat my mind and body by making it think that I will die soon and yet I won't. I am taunting it with things that could be used for suicide, I hope not that my body will some day say to stop taunting it and takes over and then I might make the mistakes of cutting too deep or taking to many pills. In honesty, I don't care, I would smile when I die because it's ironic, it's peaceful, it's all I ever wanted.
P.S. So I have been looking for a proper corset that actual fits. I came across the website WhatKatieDid and found a corset called "Morticia" (even Ulorin Vex is modelling for it, how awesome) being a big fan of The Addams Family I got interested but got very reluctant when they started talking about "vintage figure" and "at least a 10" difference between hips and waist". Knowing that I am not proportionally shaped I threw away the idea of having a proper corset for tight-lacing. This morning I took up the courage to measure my hips and waist and convert it to inches to see how big my waist is. I was pleasantly surprised to not only find out that my waist is currently 28" but also that my hips at 38", which means that I have a vintage figure and am already quite curvy. I know I was sort of curvy but didn't know that I belonged to the small group of people with a natural vintage waist, perhaps it doesn't look so good on me since I got lots of squish from my tummy fat but at least it says that I got curves. Now only to decided to buy a corset like that, perhaps I need to to reduce the hip squish I might get from buying a corset that will reduce a few more inches of my waist.
With faint greetings and humble apologies,
your bringer of doom,
Giselle
2 comments:
Never give up hope, Gi. It hurts to read that we didn't make you feel any better, but I hope that at least we distracted you a tiny bit from the way you felt during that day.
P.s. that corset is bloody fucking gorgeous. If you won't buy it then I will.
First of all, your style of writing is really great. I usually don't read through posts that are as long as this one, but since it was about Emilie & very well written, I did it though.
I really don't know what to tell you, since I know it freaks people out to tell them it's gonna be alright and of course I know it's not. But I really think you shouldn't give up fighting. I don't know if you have the same illness that Emilie has, or another, or if you are "just" a very sad and pained person, so I won't say anything like "sometimes, I'm sad too", though it's true and "sad" is SO understated.
So, altogether, I just really hope you feel better now, at least for now, and I wish you everything good for the future.
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