Stuck

Have you ever had the feeling that you are completely stuck where you are? Recently, or not so recently, seeing that I first began to stick was before the summer, I am more stuck than ever. Everybody says they got a future ahead of them, planning what they are going to become, where they want to work or how many children want. How do you make such plans while you do not even know where the future is going to take you. I am more than profusely stuck in a place I don’t want to be. I am even stuck in more than one definition of the word

Stuck #1: As I said in other entries, I left college without any degree since I failed not even all, just a couple of courses and seeing how depressed, down and worthless I felt at the time didn’t take the opportunity to fix my grades and move on. I am not cut out to be a student because I always get myself in a state in which I can no longer function properly and my grades start to drop, eventually I will start to skip lessons and not study at all. I now own a HAVO diploma with pretty good grades and nothing more. This means I am only qualified for either MBO or University of Applied Science. I don’t want to do either of them. It feels by participating in the education system I get put into a box, a box that says what direction I am heading, I even got put into that box before I knew what I even wanted to do in life. I would murder to get access to University to study but it seems to be almost impossible to get there even though I finished high school, even though I want to study English and finished that subject with a 9/10 without much trouble even though I already studied a bit of English at the University of Applied Science and didn’t fail any of the English (grammar, vocab etc.) courses. Why is your abilities measured by how many different subjects you can take and not fail in high school, because that is what it is. Ok, the difference to when I graduated and those who now graduate is that you have many more options making it easier to not fail anything. I feel betrayed by the world

Stuck #2: I am stuck at home, not so much “stuck” but I simply can not move out. There are a few problems with moving out. First of all I need to find a study when I move out because that is when you get study finance to live out and something to do and a real reason to no longer live with your parents. Second problems is that I will need a job because my parents don’t want to pay for my extra expenses such as food, but I will not be able to maintain a job and study at the same time. See, I can not move out without going to college, neither can I move out without having a job, I can not work and study. I also can not move out and earn enough in one job to be able to maintain myself. I can not move out if I can not take care of myself, which I can’t because I can hardly get myself out of bed now a days. I only eat because my parents tell me so. I am completely stuck in my parent’s house and it does not even feel like home, this is simply not the place that I would go back to after a holiday.

At this point I no longer know what to do, hell, I no longer know if I want to live. I feel like every day I live now is just trying to escape the inevitable sentence of death. Every day trying to escape while you feel your executioner breathing in your neck. By now I must sound like some emo girl spilling her feelings out on the blank paper in front of her hoping someone will read it and see the scars and tell her everything will be alright. I do not believe in that anymore, I do not see why is there to be all right, there is only so much that can be changed and that won’t matter the situation. In reality I pick every happy thing apart until there is nothing left of it and there is only emptiness and bad things and nothing to love anymore and all you can do is sleep to make the time pass faster until the day you die. Every conscious breath hurts because it’s the only thing that reminds me that I am still alive. And every night I will lie in my bed and stare at my ceiling and wish I will not wake up the morning but I do and every night I cry because I feel so powerless and it feels like the whole world is collapsing on my shoulders and I am the one to bare the burden. My shoulders hurt and my knees are weak and I am exhausted, I do not know how much longer I can keep myself up. Perhaps one day somebody takes the weight of the world off my shoulders so I can breathe, but do not make me breathe for just a while because that just tears me apart. It has happened so many times and it when the weight is back on it feels like it is smothering me even more and I will see the end coming even faster knowing what relief is but not being able to hang on for long enough.

I just long for that moment where everything is at peace and I can honestly smile and say I am happy