Happy New Year

Happy New Year and a blessed 2010
for every one who believes in it.

Re-evaluating last year I come to the conclusion that is has been one of the most exhausting years ever. It started all very good, splendidly, amazingly and undoubtly in love with a wonderful person, we made out and it was good. College wasn’t that bad at all at the time and I was convince I would be in studying for my Bachelor in English Language and Culture at the University of Utrecht, I am not. More and more did I start to struggle with my inner demons at the time and around May the storm that had be violently tearing at my heart broke loose and I lost everything. I lost my girl because loving her hurt more than I could bear, I got kicked out of college because of the pain I couldn’t study or concentrate and at the end of the year I did no longer want to fight my way up to be able to pass at least the course to try and get all my points the next year to get into uni.

I felt so low that even going on holiday didn’t make me feel better. Even the prospect of going to South England made me want to tear out my heart because even the thought of being surrounded by all that I love and all where I ever want to be was too much. I tried pretending that all was fine and that I would simply get a job after the summer and be happy and stressless and just going on with my life, what was left of it. The only light that summer was the International Muffin Meet-up (IMM) that was held in London and where I met the friends I made in the Asylum. A few days later I was already home again because the trip to London was just a stop before going back home. I never left so alone in my life as the last days of summer. I realised right before turning 19 that even in my last year of teenagerness I have nothing or no one to celebrate it with, to enjoy the feeling of still being young while old enough to drink and drive.

I got a job at the TNT Post Company as mail deliverer, which causes me anxiety attacks and makes me paranoid, still I go on (coincidently, my boss just called when I typed that and made my heart skip two beats). I now at the end of the year, all I feel is loneliness, pain and failure. I started up cutting myself again, I already broke my vow to never do it again in May when my heart got broken twice by accident and I regretted it and promised myself to not give up, but not even recently I started hurting myself again. I just want to know I am a alive, though everything points out that I am alive I sometimes still wonder if it’s not all a nightmare or that I am not secretly dead. Perhaps parts of me are dead and perhaps I just need reassurance I still can feel the pain or a razor through my flesh. Right before New Year’s Eve I felt the urge to cut every night, I would either drink and forget my promises and cut or go to bed early and cry and fall asleep after a while exhausted from everything.

Though as much as New Year’s Eve should have big this huge hilarious party with a lot of booze through circumstances only one person could and wanted to make it. I might not be the best person when I am drunk because that is the time when my shittiness goes into being emotional and crying, which I never do unless I am too exhausted to care. I did drink way too much but I didn’t even notice, somehow I didn’t see how much I was drinking and I didn’t really care until I threw up, which I hardly do unless I am already sick. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn’t eaten much the whole weak making the alcohol hit me harder and faster, perhaps it was just my own stupid fault. After that I went into a fit of crying, because honestly, I was feeling sad and depressed though with somebody present I just be all light-hearted but deep down there is always this big black empty hole filling up my mind and soul and I let it all out. Then my arm started to hurt along with the scars, perhaps the alcohol only made the pain or the experience of the pain worse but the pain is there and is still there and I was not that far out of my mind that I imagined it. Though I made it one hell of a fail party when friend had to calm me and when I passed out in my own bed and woke up 4 or 5 hours later with half of the evening just scarps of images and thoughts.

All that is left in the first two days of the new year is the shame of the mess I made of myself in front of someone, the pain of all the wasted opportunities the emptiness and the loneliness and everything is eating my heart and I still can’t feel a damn thing but sadness. I do not have hopes for this year, I will just live it since everyone says it’s a new year all I know is that tomorrow is another day and the day after tomorrow too and all I do is surviving days, another year is just another 365 days, 365 days to survive.