Take the Pill

I took the pills, there weren't necessary, I wasn't in pain, I did not have a headache. I took the pills, but the alcohol was nowhere to be seen, it was just, the pills, those white things, sliding down my throat happy-go-lucky pills, one by one, clinging to my heart, clawing. I did not need them, I did not take them to take care of me, I took them to feel the destruction, to at least feel, to feel, human. The hot shower touched my skin, burned my skin, rained down upon my shoulders, my breasts, bellyfat, my thighs, my feet in the bathtub, but I couldn't see my body without bending over, just the breast, the always appearing breasts, the nipples, the breasts, the skin, white, slightly scarred.

I am fine, I am completely fine.
Everything is fine.
Just fine.

I took the razor I took from my room, even though the water was warm I did not feel the warmth that usually penetrates the skin, it was all just water, like fucking rain pouring down my face. I made lines next to the white lines of my scars, it hurt, it just hurt. I wanted to put the razor away, but why would I, why would I not cut deeper, cut more? It would have been my wrists if it isn't warming up already and soon the shirts will be out of the closet and nobody wants to see a 21 year old who is cutting herself.

I did not need to cut, there is no need to cut, everything is fine. There are no urges to rip my flesh of my bones and burn it. It is just that, everything is so disorientated, left is left and right is still right but somehow left is more forward and right more backwards and when I turn around the direction swap and I have to figure it out all over again. I try to speak but there are no words in my brain, I try to form words but the letters fall down and turn into water, nothing I can grasp. All I want is sleep, comforting warmth, comforting sleep.

I close my eyes and there is nothing, just an eternal silence, much better than the screaming I do against myself, the constant screaming the constant bullying in my own head. My mind is crippled, it cannot move, it does not want to move, it does not have the stamina to last for more than 10 minutes. I reach up but do not even reach an inch off the bottom. I play games, endless hours of games, nothing more, nothing less, I cannot read, words don't reach me, they float through my mind and fall out on the other side, like sand. Then I get so tired, I get up and all I want to do is sleep, even the sun outside is not welcoming, nothing is, only sleep. My body is not tired, my mind is not tired but sleep is more welcoming that everything else and this veil of darkness makes me feel tired while I do not wish to sleep, I just do not wish to be awake.

I try to find some empathy from friends, because they said they would be there for me. All I get is just general ignorance of human feeling that I do not even know how to express. I am giving up on friends right now, they just seem to flutter along while I have fallen of the branches and out of the faerie world the creatures upstairs love so much and do not come down from. I guess I have landed myself in another world and follow the footsteps of Alice, never sure what the right thing to do is because nothing makes any sense anymore and I move around like an empty shell, cold and empty.

So, just take the pill, just take the knife, just take all the crap you can find. It does not matter, life is nothing to expect anything from.