Trust Me

It Will Get Better

I just picked myself up from the fourth round of self-harm today, in all my life, in all my time of dealing with self-harm I have not gone to this extreme. No pain in the world could help me feel better, nothing was good or effective enough to at least make me numb to the pain in my mind. Perhaps it is not so much pain that I am dealing with as a feeling of complete and utter sadness, loneliness and uselessness and perhaps a lot of disappointment.

I keep breaking down, it started with failing a poetry paper that I was sure of having passed, because I felt confident for the first time in my life that I was doing the right thing and was doing well. Then all the feelings just started piling up, the feelings that already gave my day its clouds, but now just started clouding up until a massive storm was hovering above my head and the rain was falling down in my until I could do nothing else but swim. After the first class I went home because I did not want to cry in public and there is nobody in uni that will miss me when I skip class. I thought, perhaps, being at home will ease my mind, but all the thoughts just started tumbling down on me, bit by bit and the stack just became bigger, even though I tried to fight pain with pain.

tomorrow when I wake up I will have to try and cover everything, some are easy because nobody in the world will see my legs, nobody in the world sees the flesh of my tits, however, hands are not something you can easy cover, especially not in spring when it is too warm to wear fingerless gloves.

All I can think of is that I need a suicide pill, so I can fall into eternal sleep. I do not want to go on any more. Trust me, it will get better, once I'm gone, I will get better.