Lost in Translation

This will be a post that indeed has a big reference to the absolutely stunning film: Lost in Translation, starring Scarlet Johansson and Bill Murray. Fact is, I am not in Toyko, nor am I having fun parties in a far away country or am anywhere where they literally don't speak my language, but you have to look deeper, perhaps that is my problem, I think too much. However, the problem is still there, well, you might not be able to call it a problem but at least it is something that is bugging me.

It feels that everybody around me speaks another language, even though I am capable to understand most Dutch, some of you just fail at speaking ABN, I am sorry, but I am not going to bother with yo ghetto speech and the other half has enough knowledge and understand of English to make themselves understood in that language. Why is it that I feel that whatever I say is not understood the way I say it, it could be that in my mind there is a lot of context going on that those around me do not know because they cannot see into my mind. But as in the film, sometimes somebody appears that seems to understand you, or at least seems to be able to figure you out in ways others don't, seeing behind the smile I hide behind when I don't feel like letting the world know that I rather cry. 

That is only sometimes, I have met this person, he made me feel understood and loved and cared for in a way that nobody else has made me feel. Why is it that these persons, that make everything ok, whatever it is, not linger too long, at least not a 100km radio of where you live. The world prefers individuals to wander the world looking for that one person that makes you stop feeling like you are lost in a world where nobody understands you. I long back for feeling the way I did back then, when everything was just allright. Even Lost in Translation ends that way, the one depending on that feeling of understanding and love is left alone, but I believe she will manage, she has learned something, so have I. 

It doesn't mean that all of a sudden I turn into a happy kitten and will be normal for the rest of my life, because that will, unfortunately, never happen. I, however, do know and understand now that not everything is lost. Whenever I feel lost, when my thought full of negativity crawl their way into my heart and poison it to a deep black rotten organ, I will try and find something to make it better, to not give in and let the poison run free through the rest of my body. Even though I cannot always fight it, because the poison is nasty and stings and makes you feel weak, I'll try and recognise the irrationality of the thoughts so I don't run off and cut myself for something stupid like "feelings". 

Veronica Varlow asked her followers and friends what they were going to change in their life, I couldn't think of anything but I had promised myself to clean my room, to make it less chaotic. Perhaps I needed it, cleaning out my room and throwing the old away.

For a moment the clouds let room enough for the sun to shine through and make the leaves outside turn a beautiful golden, like the riches of the world were hanging from the trees. 

A new air has been swept through my room and I believe that I shouldn't even give up as easily as I did before. I have promised myself to be a better person and believe in the positive things that come my way instead of the negative, however hard that is for a natural pessimist like me.